Improving Your Spousal Communications Can Be Better Than Chocolate
Spring has sprung in the Norfolk-Franklin-Medfield, Massachusetts area. Easter will be here soon, the local overflowing rivers will return to their proper places, baseball season is only a few weeks away, and thoughts turn to improving our communication skills with our spouses or significant others.
OK, I made the last part up. As a divorce lawyer, mediator, and husband, I know a thing or two about spousal communications. One thing I know is that my wife should really improve her skills in this area, as I am of course close to perfection. Seriously though, communication between partners is a complex subject. I get to witness firsthand many different communication styles, while I also assume that people are trying to be on their best behavior during a mediation session. Still, the range of dynamics and patterns is fascinating.
Anyway, communication is a complex matter. Even not communicating is a form of communicating. Besides speech, communication involves body language, active listening and other complexities. Here are some tips to consider. I am going to start off with a bonus tip!
1. Bonus Tip - If you write a blog about divorce and family law in Massachusetts and it is Sunday morning and your spouse talks to you while you are working on a post, and she was nice enough to make you a weight-watchers bagel and coffee, then don’t just say “Uh-huh” or “OK” when you were not listening to what she said. Stop what you are doing, pretend you are paying attention by looking up, then say “Uh-huh” or “OK” or “That sounds good” (one of my favorites).
2. Related to the above…Actively Listen to What Your Partner is Communicating – This sounds easy, but really is not easy for most of us. We all have busy lives. It is easy to let your mind drift to other things when listening, such as a looming project at work or even thinking about your response to what is being said. Instead, stop and really listen to the message. Do not confuse this with “Stop, drop, and roll in the case of fire.
Make eye contact. Focus. You could even try a trick from the mediation handbook, and rephrase what your spouse said, then reflect it back. Such as “Just to make sure I understand you, I heard that you want to help me with more of the yard work, so I can play more golf.”
3. More Honest and Open Communication Is a Good Thing - Hiding your emotions is not a viable long-term plan. Discuss openly how you are feeling, be vulnerable, talk about things you may not talk about that often – or perhaps have never talked about. The “silent’ treatment” is silly and not at all useful. Also remember that you can have too much of a good thing, so don’t be whiny or too vulnerable because who wants that?
4. Pay Attention to Non-verbal Communication Signals (body language) – Personally, I always found this an interesting subject. Some non-verbal communications are clearly interpreted, like if you cut-off a car in the rotary in Norfolk, MA, while others are more subtle. A detailed discussion on this subject is beyond the scope of this post, but many books can provide you with a decent primer. For example, folded arms may mean someone feels defensive or closed off, or they spilled something on their shirt at lunch.
5. Stay Focused on the Issue at Hand – If discussing something about parenting your kids, then keep the conversation on that issue. Try not to be overly-critical and aim for a “win-win” result. If you are feeling criticized, resist the temptation to fire back something unrelated such as “…and YOU never wear the French-maid outfit anymore!” Boy, if I only had a dollar for every time I heard that one.
6. Don’t Just Communicate When There is A Problem – Take some time every day to communicate with your significant other. Check in, see how they are doing. Share something funny. Let them know you are thinking of them. THEN ask them to stop at the grocery store, not before.
7. Pick Your Battles – Of course, I don’t mean to encourage battles, but conflict is a part of every relationship. Try to let some of the smaller things go and become more tolerant. For example, my spouse tends to misplace things from time to time, then I find them right away. In the past, this would drive me crazy, but now I just laugh and think of it as a quirky trait that we joke about. Most of the time, anyway.
If you want to dive into this topic more, then consider reading books on relationships by John Gottman, Ph.D. There are many other choices as well. If you have any suggestions then please share them with us and your fellow readers.
Happy Spring and Go Red Sox!
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I like the humor and down to earth advice. It isn’t rocket science, as the saying goes. But it isn’t easy either. It takes good intentions, real time and effort. I always appreciate sound, practical advice about communication.
A great perepective on handling these family matters. I’m always glad to see other attorneys who are educating their clients on alternatives to litigation.
A good sense of humor – I really like the last point “Pick Your Battles” very positive; you can live happily if you practice such sort of TOLERANCE in your life.