I am a proponent of alternative dispute resolution (ADR), such as divorce mediation, the collaborative divorce process and a good old-fashioned duel with flintlock pistols. OK, I am just kidding on ADR method number three, flintlock pistols are unreliable and inaccurate.
Landshark!
Some couples are more suited to mediation than others. When I first meet with a couple for a mediation consultation they are evaluating what I have to say and how I say it, my personality, if they like my tie, etc. Perhaps they also realize that I am evaluating them and listening for any “red flags” that signal possible trouble ahead. Some issues that mediators must consider include substance abuse issues, domestic violence, a person’s emotional state and any mental health issues, and each person’s ability to understand the process and the issues and then advocate for what they want and don’t want.
It is this last one that is the trickiest.
Of course, the varying degrees of any of the above issues are important, and just because one spouse is more outspoken than the other does not mean that the case cannot or should not be mediated. If that were true, there would be few mediations! Experienced mediators are able to support the “weaker” spouse during the process when necessary.
Unfortunately, there is another type of person that may be attracted to mediation. Thankfully, I do not run across such characters too often. I label these folks “Mediation Sharks.” When I meet one, I am reminded of one of my favorite classic Saturday Night Live skits with the Landshark. If your memory is fuzzy and/or you feel like laughing, click here. If you are too young to remember, then congratulations, but you missed SNL when it was actually really funny.
A Mediation Shark is someone that tries to fool their spouse into thinking they are being sincere and actually wants to settle the details of the divorce fairly. Unfortunately, Mediation Sharks have sinister motives, such as manipulation, intimidation, and employing unfair advantage. The Mediation Shark may try to cleverly disguise these unpleasantries by employing false concern, acting extremely pleasant, or by stating things like “Don’t worry about that, I will take care of you no matter what.” They may also demand that certain items are “off the table” and not subject to discussion. Like a big bank account for example.
Hmmm, let me consult my Mediation for Dummies book, but I don’t think that is the way it is supposed to work…
Maybe the Mediation Shark is much more experienced with finances, does not intend on fully disclosing assets, or just hopes to take advantage of a spouse that is unaware of what they could or should be entitled to. Not to sound insenstitive, but sometimes one spouse is just a lot smarter (at least in some ways) than the other spouse, like at my house – and I mean my wife being smarter than me for the record in case my wife decides to read my blog).
I am all for people making their own agreements, but only if both parties sitting at the table comprehend the information being discussed and take part in the process in a reasonable manner. Otherwise, I screen out the Mediation Sharks. Normally, the non-shark spouse picks up on these things at the meetings and carefully considers all options, including the option that they should not use mediation and they may need a bigger boat.
Fortunately, there have not been many times where I had to say that I would not mediate the divorce. Once, the spouse I was concerned for was not happy with the first (and only) meeting and later said it was not “useful.” This person did not sense the presence of the Mediation Shark despite my sharing my concerns. Instead I was told they found a different mediator. Could I have been wrong…?
Nah.
OK, just kidding. Perhaps I misread the Mediation Shark, but I don’t think so. In this instance, I lost some fees, did my best to make sure someone was going to get a fair shake, and slept fine that night.
If you are contemplating divorce and considering mediation, the odds are high you will reach an agreement and be fine. Listen for clues from your mediator that he or she may have concerns about this or that. Also, watch out for people that only tell you what you want to hear.
Candy-Gram. Flowers. Plumber. I’m just a dolphin.
