For children – no matter what age –  divorce can be a major source of distress.  The article below was written by Betsy Ross, an experienced therapist and divorce coach from Sharon, Massachusetts.   At The Divorce Collaborative LLC in Franklin, MA, Betsy  is frequently part of the mediation process for couples that select the firm’s comprehensive fixed-fee mediation program or a collaborative divorce.  Betsy wrote the article below from the child’s point of view –  a point of view that should be of paramount importance for divorcing or post-divorce couples.    I hope you find the article helpful, and thanks to Betsy for sharing it with our readers.

- Stephen F. McDonough, Esq.

From Your Child’s Point of View: 10 Steps To A Successful Massachusetts Divorce

By Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP

1. Focus on the present.

Being stuck in the blame game or trying to hurt each other for what happened in the past only makes it harder for you two to reach an agreement.  Having you come to an agreement would mean that we can all move ahead with our family life (and try to put this mess behind us)…this is one of the only things that keeps me going these days!

2. Think about and plan for the future.

Please keep in mind that my needs will be changing over time as I grow. So, when you both talk about custody and visitation schedules and finances, remember that what works for me now may not work for me in the future. I may be happy to alternate weekends at Daddy’s and Mommy’s for now, but when I am a teenager, that idea may not be so appealing. Also, before long I may need hockey skates, a Girl Scout uniform, a trumpet, a few weeks at summer camp, or a fancy outfit (for my confirmation or prom) so please plan for these expenses too.

3. Try to put yourself in my shoes.

Remember that your ‘spouse’ is also my parent. It would help me if you could remember that I need you both to parent me and love me. I want both of you to get what you need to be happy and healthy so you can do a great job at taking care of me!

4. Don’t say mean or critical things about my other parent.

They are the world to me, just like you are. Don’t ever make me take sides because even if you think that I am taking your side and you have ‘won’, I will lose! Nothing should get in the way of my good feelings about my Mom or my Dad if you want me to grow up healthy and strong.

5. Leave me out of your dating/social life. I don’t need to know right now about whom you are seeing or what you are doing. Even if it looks like a serious, healthy, and long lasting relationship has been established, please think long and hard before you drag me into it.

6. Hold up your end of the bargain. If you said that you would pick me up from school on Tuesday or that we would spend the afternoon together on Sunday, be sure to keep your word. Life has become unpredictable and scary enough for me so please don’t make it even more difficult by disappointing me.

7. Be patient with me.

The breakup of our family is scary and hard for me because I won’t ever fully understand how a thing like this could happen to us. Even if divorce means our lives will be better in the future (and I sure hope it does), change can be very frightening for me and I need some time to get used to things.

8. Remember to tell me this isn’t my fault.

Divorce is rough on kids. Don't make it worse than it has to be.

Even though you both know that I had nothing to do with your marriage, I get confused sometimes and I will probably blame myself for having some role in your breakup. Don’t ever stop telling me that you love me and that it isn’t my fault. I need to hear that from you both.

9. Encourage me to talk about how I am feeling.

I have lots of feelings about this whole situation and I need a place where I can talk. Please keep asking me how I am even if I don’t have an answer. Please consider offering me an opportunity to talk to a professional so I can say what is on my mind without having to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s not a good idea for me to hold this all in.

10. Pay attention to me.

Am I eating regularly? Sleeping well? Moody? Withdrawn or hyper? Have I changed my friends? How are my grades? School attendance? Hobbies? These are some of the clues that will communicate to you how I am doing (when I may not be able to put these things into words myself).

Divorce and Parenting – 10 Steps to Make it Successful From Your Child’s Point of View is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Yesterday I attended a health insurance seminar at the Wellesley Library, put on by the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation.  The presenter, Attorney Clare McGorrian, did a great job of covering issues concerning access to health coverage during family transitions, such as divorce.   Whether your divorce process of choice is litigation, mediation or collaborative law, there are a few things you should know about health insurance before you begin.  Here are some popular questions and quick answers:

QUESTION 1: I just filed for divorce.  My spouse wants to kick me off her/his health insurance.  Can she/he do this?

ANSWER 1:  No.  When a party files for divorce, an automatic restraining order is entered by the Court.  Among other protections, the restraining order prevents either party from removing their spouse and/or children from an existing health insurance policy.  The restraining order typically lasts for the length of the divorce action.

QUESTION 2:  My health insurance is covered through my spouses’s employer.  We are in the process of getting divorced.  Can we put language in the Separation Agreement indicating my spouse has to keep me covered?

ANSWER 2: Well, it depends (I know, I know… a typical lawyer answer).  Believe it or not, the answer depends on what type of health plan your spouse has.  For plans which are regulated by Massachusetts law, a spouse who is a group health plan member and is a party to a divorce judgment remains eligible as a plan member.  This eligibility generally lasts until one of the parties remarries (unless the parties agree to other events which lead to coverage termination).  However, if your spouse’s health plan is a self-insured plan, then the insurer can decide whether or not an ex-spouse is covered and often chooses not to cover the ex-spouse.

QUESTION 3: How do I know whether or not my health care provider is self-insured?

ANSWER 3:  Write a letter to your health care provider asking for a Summary Plan Description.  You should do this early on in the divorce process and allow for some time for the insurer to respond.  You will want to get this answer from the health care provider in writing.

QUESTION 4: If my spouse’s health plan is self-insured and does not cover me following my divorce, what are my options?

ANSWER 4:  You have several options available to you.  You may qualify for COBRA, a federal program which gives workers and their families the right to continue existing group health care coverage for up to 36 months.  Under this plan, individuals must pay 102% of health care premiums.  There are also many options available under Massachusetts’ Commonwealth Connector program.

This is just a basic overview of common questions asked by litigation and mediation clients facing divorce. Please contact us for more information on your options during divorce.

Divorce and Health Insurance – Don’t Be Left Out With a Cold! is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

How will you choose your divorce support team?

If you are contemplating a divorce in Massachusetts, take the time to carefully select your professional support team.  With the economy still taking its toll, it can be tempting to try and get through your divorce cheaply or even without any help at all.   The strain on everyone’s wallet has also increased the number of divorce-related businesses, and you should be careful when hiring people to help you through your divorce.  Very careful, in fact.

Remember – only lawyers can provide you with legal advice.

Don’t assume that the person you are dealing with is a licensed attorney.  Although lawyers are highly regulated and must follow strict ethical guidelines (as do professional mental health experts), other business people may try give the impression that they are licensed or certified, but you should carefully check out such claims.  If someone claims they are certified, what organization has certified them, and is such organization respected and well-known in the industry?  You should know these things and then compare such requirements to those of other educated professionals.

For example, a local divorce mediator website I looked at recently would certainly make one believe that this particular mediator is an attorney.  This mediator claims to be a “recognized specialist in family law.”  Although I am a lawyer and have practiced divorce and family law almost exclusively, I am unable to make such a claim without pushing the attorney ethical rules in Massachusetts.  Although this person may be a good mediator, she is NOT a lawyer.  I think trying to give the impression otherwise is wrong.

This is not to say that I am discouraging the use of other experienced, credentialed professionals as part of your divorce support network.  In fact, I frequently use experienced and qualified divorce coaches and financial professionals when helpful to clients, and even include their services as part of our Fixed Fee Divorce Mediation, Collaborative Divorce, and Contested Divorce programs, and feel that the team approach is generally a good idea.

Divorcing in Massachusetts? How to Select the Right Professionals is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Improving Your Spousal Communications Can Be Better Than Chocolate

Spring has sprung in the Norfolk-Franklin-Medfield, Massachusetts area.   Easter will be here soon, the local overflowing rivers will return to their proper places, baseball season is only a few weeks away, and thoughts turn to improving our communication skills with our spouses or significant others.

OK, I made the last part up.   As a divorce lawyer, mediator, and husband, I know a thing or two about spousal communications.  One thing I know is that my wife should really improve her skills in this area, as I am of course close to perfection.   Seriously though, communication between partners is a complex subject.  I get to witness firsthand many different communication styles, while I also assume that people are trying to be on their best behavior during a mediation session.  Still, the range of dynamics and patterns is fascinating.

Anyway, communication is a complex matter.  Even not communicating is a form of communicating.  Besides speech, communication involves body language, active listening and other complexities.  Here are some tips to consider.  I am going to start off with a bonus tip!

1. Bonus Tip -  If you write a blog about divorce and family law in Massachusetts and it is Sunday morning and your spouse talks to you while you are working on a post, and she was nice enough to make you a weight-watchers bagel and coffee, then don’t just say “Uh-huh” or “OK” when you were not listening to what she said.  Stop what you are doing, pretend you are paying attention by looking up, then say “Uh-huh” or “OK”  or “That sounds good” (one of my favorites).

2.  Related to the above…Actively Listen to What Your Partner is Communicating – This sounds easy, but really is not easy for most of us.  We all have busy lives.  It is easy to let your mind drift to other things when listening, such as a looming project at work or even thinking about your response to what is being said. Instead, stop and really listen to the message.  Do not confuse this with “Stop, drop, and roll in the case of fire.

Make eye contact.  Focus.  You could even try a trick from the mediation handbook, and rephrase what your spouse said, then reflect it back.  Such as “Just to make sure I understand you, I heard that you want to help me with more of the yard work, so I can play more golf.”

3. More Honest and Open Communication Is a Good Thing  - Hiding your emotions is not a viable long-term plan.  Discuss openly how you are feeling, be vulnerable, talk about things you may not talk about that often –  or perhaps have never talked about.   The “silent’ treatment” is silly and not at all useful.  Also remember that you can have too much of a good thing, so don’t be whiny or too vulnerable because who wants that?

4.  Pay Attention to Non-verbal Communication Signals (body language) – Personally, I always found this an interesting subject.  Some non-verbal communications are clearly interpreted, like if you cut-off a car in the rotary in Norfolk, MA, while others are more subtle.  A detailed discussion on this subject is beyond the scope of this post, but many books can provide you with a decent primer.  For example, folded arms may mean someone feels defensive or closed off, or they spilled something on their shirt at lunch.

5. Stay Focused on the Issue at Hand – If discussing something about parenting your kids, then keep the conversation on that issue.  Try not to be overly-critical and aim for a “win-win” result.  If you are feeling criticized, resist the temptation to fire back something unrelated such as “…and YOU never wear the French-maid outfit anymore!” Boy, if I only had a dollar for every time I heard that one.

6. Don’t Just Communicate When There is A Problem – Take some time every day to communicate with your significant other.  Check in, see how they are doing.  Share something funny.  Let them know you are thinking of them.  THEN ask them to stop at the grocery store, not before.

7.  Pick Your Battles – Of course, I don’t mean to encourage battles, but conflict is a part of every relationship.  Try to let some of the smaller things go and become more tolerant.  For example, my spouse tends to misplace things from time to time, then I find them right away. In the past, this would drive me crazy, but now I just laugh and think of it as a quirky trait that we joke about.  Most of the time, anyway.

If you want to dive into this topic more, then consider reading books on relationships by John Gottman, Ph.D.  There are many other choices as well.  If you have any suggestions then please share them with us and your fellow readers.

Happy Spring and Go Red Sox!

Massachusetts Divorce Mediator & Lawyer Provides Tips to Improve Spousal Communications is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

According to the research, you are likely NOT a sociopath.

Although that is great news for all of us, you may, however, be a little grumpy, yearning for warmer weather, and overworked  - oh wait, that’s me.  Nevermind.

So why all this crazy talk?

I was reading fellow Massachusetts divorce lawyer Nancy Van Tine’s blog, and she had an interesting post which I think all ya’ll should read.   (Please note, I have included the phrase “all y’all” as a shout out to fans of The Divorce Collaborative LLC in –  or from –  North Carolina).

Nancy’s post Sociopaths Among Us first made me think she was writing about a good friend of mine that she works with.  Just kidding of course!   Actually, Nancy tells us that research shows 4% of the population are sociopaths.  You know who you are…or not.

Unfortunately for Nancy and her client, she has a difficult litigation case involving a spouse on the “other” side that certainly seems to fit the official description.  She also states that she has come upon many sociopaths in her career, oftentimes in tough litigation cases; which she is quite good at handling I might add.

So, I say to the other 96% of you, STAND UP AND LET YOUR VOICES BE HEARD THROUGHOUT THE COMMONWEALTH! (C’mon, stand up, like at a rally or something).  RAISE YOUR HANDS AND SAY IT WITH ME:

OK, I am really dating myself with this one. I only remember it because I had to go to bed when it was on.

“I AM NOT (likely) A SOCIOPATH!”*

Whew, I am exhausted.  Haven’t been to a rally since the eighties, and that was just a motorcycle rally at Lake George, NY.

Anyway, since 96% of you are probably mostly OK, you should avoid divorce litigation if you can. Sure, you might be stressed out and not at your best prior to and during your divorce, but lengthy, stressful litigation may start you towards the 4% group.   Certainly, some cases need to be in court, but only about 4-5% of cases actually go to trial.

Interestingly, that percentage matches up with the 4% of sociopaths in the population.  Is this statistically significant evidence?

Nah.

But still, all of you non-sociopaths out there in the Bay State considering your divorce options, do yourself a favor and consider all of your alternatives prior to acting like a four percenter.

If you are facing a divorce and want to learn more about divorce mediation, collaborative divorce, or Massachusetts divorce in general, and you live in Millis, Medfield, Medway, Norfolk, Holliston, Franklin, Wrentham, Plainville, Hopedale, Milford, Attleboro, North Attleboro, Norwood, Walpole, Berkley, Seekonk, Mansfield, or Norton, just send me an email with the subject line of “96%”and the first person to do so gets a free consultation.  Really.  We usually charge $150.00, so not a bad deal for sending an email.

*Legal Disclaimer:  You may be a sociopath, I don’t have any idea really.  If you place yourself in the non-sociopath 96% majority, you hereby agree to do this at your own peril, and you should consult a mental health expert for an actual diagnosis.  Tax, title, and registration fees are not included.  You must be at least this tall to read this blog.

Divorce, Sociopath Style by Stephen McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

The Divorce Collaborative LLC of Medway and Attleboro Massachusetts is pleased to introduce our colleague and guest blogger,  Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP.  Betsy is a Massachusetts divorce coach and a member of the Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council.  Betsy’s expertise in collaborative divorce coaching, couples/family therapy, and group dynamics helps her to assist clients in emotionally managing the difficult feelings associated with divorce, establish healthy co-parenting skills, and plan for a better life going forward.  Betsy has offices in Stoughton and Sharon, MA.

What can you do to minimize the negative effects of divorce on your children and your family life?

Helping children through divorce should be every parent's priority

Here are the top-tips to keep your children healthy and safe.

Tell the truth in an age appropriate fashion. No need to go into details but let your kids know what is really happening.  Sometimes we try to protect them by not telling them what is happening or about to happen. Doing so will only confuse and worry them if they already suspect that something is wrong.  Kids are very smart and can sense when family life is not OK.  Let them know, as simply as possible, what is going on and what they can expect.

Listen to your children’s concerns. At times we assume that if our children aren’t saying anything, then things must be all right.  This is not always the case.  Sometimes we need to give our children permission to say what is upsetting or worrying them, even if it hurts for us to hear it.  Everyone in the family is and will continue to be effected by the state of your marriage.  Give them a chance to share with you how it is effecting them and what their concerns are.  It will help them to have permission to say how they feel rather than suffer in silence.

Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your children. You are talking about your child’s other parent whom they love no matter what!  If you put them in a position where they have to listen to your negative thoughts or feelings about their other parent, you are forcing them to feel disloyal just for listening and hurting their relationship with their parent.  No adult has the right to sabotage a child’s relationship with their parent no matter what!  Trying to get your children to take sides in a divorce is cruel and will ultimately hurt your relationship with them.

Make sure your children have their own space at both parents’ homes. It doesn’t have to be a separate room.  Even if it’s just in the corner of a room, there should be a place for them, that is exclusively theirs, in each residence.  Set up some shelves, a bureau, a bookcase…whatever will help your children to feel at home in both places.   This is where they live no so don’t make them feel like visitors.

Remember that your child is not your best friend, confidant, or therapist. No matter how old or sophisticated your child is, they are not equipped emotionally to hear your deep dark thoughts about your marriage, your spouse, your life, or your problems.  They are your children.  They need to be allowed to be themselves with their own concerns and remain as unburdened by your mistakes and difficulties as possible.

Tell your children (repeatedly) that the divorce isn’t their fault. Believe it or not, children often blame themselves for what happens, even for your divorce.  They may actually think that if they had been better at cleaning their room, getting A’s, behaving better, etc. then it wouldn’t have happened.  It is your duty to repeatedly remind them that they had nothing at all to do with your divorce.  It’s never a child’s fault.

Learn to control yourself around your soon to be ex-spouse. Your children have undoubtedly had their fill of listening to the two of you yell and bicker.  Enough.  Someone has to act like an adult and take the high road.  It might as well be you.  Don’t say it, bite your tongue, turn the other cheek, walk away…whatever works to keep your children from being exposed to even more fighting between the two of you.  Behave yourself when your former spouse is present or on the phone.  Be polite and courteous and always remember that your children are watching and listening to what you do.

Don’t just give up and accept whatever is being offered. While you may be feeling guilty and just want to get it over by agreeing to more than you should, resist!  You need to make sure that what you agree to will help you to create a new life for yourself going forward.  If you take care of your needs, within reason, you will be better able to take care of your children’s needs too.

Get help for yourself and your kids. You may need a counselor or coach to talk with.  Your children may need a counselor or coach to talk with.  You all may be experiencing emotional stress and duress in the form of stomachaches, headaches, sleeplessness, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, nausea, etc.  Talk to your family doctor, a therapist, coach, pastor, etc. about what you can do to get help.

Helping Children Through Divorce, by Divorce Coach Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

If someone casually approached you at the mall and asked you if you preferred dispute resolution or conflict resolution, how might you answer?

Probably something like “get away from me you big weirdo!”

It is an interesting question however, and one I never quite considered in the way described in an interesting article by Seattle, WA collaborative divorce lawyer J. Mark Weiss concerning the differences between dispute resolution and conflict resolution.  The article, posted on Mark’s blog, is a reminder about the differences between just getting through your divorce, versus actually resolving some of the underlying conflict and learning to manage conflict going forward in a better way.

The article discusses another positive aspect of divorce mediation or collaborative divorce for couples – whether they reside in Seattle or the Medfield or Franklin, MA area.  As explained nicely by Attorney Weiss, divorcing couples that have a traditional court-based divorce may be setting themselves up for additional post-divorce conflict and continued court hearings; whereas couples that actually learn to resolve  conflict by taking advantage of divorce mediation or the collaborative divorce process are less likely to have trouble after the divorce is final.

Of course, the unfortunate instance can occur when one party sees the clear benefits of a less-adversarial process, yet his or her spouse is unwilling to consider such options.  In this situation, the case will have to go the way of the traditional litigation process.

At The Divorce Collaborative LLC of Medway, MA (with satellite offices to serve those in the Bedford and Attleboro, MA areas, we believe it is important to offer clients all three options when it is time to make the important decision as to what process should be utilized to complete a Massachusetts divorce, whether it is a contested divorce, divorce mediation, or a collaborative divorce.  If you are contemplating ending your marriage, it is best to have the discussion about what process to use with your spouse as early as possible.

It may save you a lot of stress and money and help protect your children during and after divorce.

Collaborative Divorce, Divorce Mediation Provides More Lasting Benefits, by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

I was watching television earlier  tonight  - on Valentine’s night as a matter of fact – and saw a commercial for BMW automobiles.  It was a fairly long spot during the olympics, right after I decided that I will never try skiing moguls. I don’t even think I would want to walk on them.  The announcer on the commercial mentioned that of course BMW makes cars, but what they really make is joy. The ad showed lots of pictures of happy people in BMWs.  I thought it was a good commercial, and then wondered as a divorce lawyer and mediator, what do we make at my firm?

I do not think the answer is that far off from BMW’s own conclusion.

Most people who walk through our office doors are not happy.  Clients are usually under a great deal of stress, and may feel as though their entire world is crashing down around them due to a divorce or continuing divorce-related conflict in the form of modifications or contempt hearings.  Some folks have been in unsatisfying or even unhealthy relationships for years.  Some people prefer to stay married, and are devastated their spouse has been unfaithful and/or wants to end the marriage.   I understand that I am not usually seeing people at the best time of their lives.  This of course is why many non-family law attorneys ask “Why do you want to do that?!” when I tell them my firm is limited to domestic relations.

Back to the commercial.

So, just what is it that we make at The Divorce Collaborative LLC?

I suppose we make a number of things. We may make people frustrated at times when they have to collect a lot of financial documents, or we may unfortunately add to the stress of an opposing spouse during a litigated case, although that is certainly not the intention.  We make some people relieved when their case is over and they are pleased with the end result and the process.

Most importantly, what I really think we make is opportunity.  The opportunity for a fresh start, whether emotionally, spiritually, or financially.  The opportunity for parents to connect with children in new, sometimes better ways.  By offering the options of mediation and collaborative divorce and not only divorce litigation, we make opportunities for couples to select a respectful and dignified divorce process, isolate children from conflict, and prepare for a new beginning.

Today, on Valentine’s Day, and every day, we help people transition out of relationships that are not satisfying or supporting, and provide the opportunity for a loving – and hopefully lasting –  relationship for the years ahead.  A relationship that encourages an individual to flourish and enjoy the magic that only a committed, loving relationship may bestow upon us.

That sounds a lot like joy to me.

What Do We Make? by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Don't Get All Tangled Up Over the Holidays

The Holiday season is upon us.  Some people, like my mom for instance, love the holidays.  Decorating is a multi-week process and there are so many ornaments on the tree that she and my step-father must deploy a support cable attached to a nearby wall to help hold it up.  It is about what you would expect to see on a large suspension bridge. Between December 1st and the end of January (we have lots of January birthdays in the family) I estimate that my mother will host or attend (mostly host) somewhere in the area of 624 social events. Holiday music is clearly audible pre-Thanksgiving.

Not everyone loves this time of year of course.  It can be stressful and hectic, strain our finances, and make our clothes shrink.  I think that happens due to the lower temperatures effecting the fabric.  Yeah, that’s it.

For families involved in a divorce or for families that have already experienced a divorce, the holidays can be an especially difficult period.  Traditions are changed, time with your kids may be carved up like a turkey, and the logistics of moving kids around can feel like a military maneuver.   Most obviously, it can be a sad and even lonely time for some experiencing a feeling of loss due to a separation or divorce.

So, what can you do to help get through the holidays?  What is best for your kids? What should I get Steve for Christmas?   These are all important questions.  Remember, different things work for different families, so be flexible and keep lines of communication open.

1. First, stay away from fruitcake.  These things scare me, nobody really knows what is in them, and they can cause serious injury if you drop them on your foot.  Really, just say no to fruitcake.  Please don’t give them as gifts, not even to your ex.  Also, recent court decisions have held that making your kids eat fruit cake may be used as evidence of bad parenting.

2. Keep Things Simple. Try to be flexible in terms of scheduling parenting time and other events.  Your priority should really be what is best for the kids. Personally, I think splitting a day up between two households can be disruptive as everyone is watching the clock and anticipating having to go someplace else, but this plan may work out fine for some families.

3. If you will not be with your children at a special time, then call them.  If you will not see your children on Christmas morning, then call and wish them a fantastic day, tell them that you love them, and that you cannot wait to see them tomorrow or whenever you will be celebrating with them.  Try not to make them feel guilty by saying how you wish they could be with you instead.

4. Respect past traditions while starting new ones.  If while married the family always went to your in-laws house for Christmas Eve and the children enjoyed this tradition, then you may consider continuing it.  Yes, it can be hard if you are the parent that will not be at the festivities, but for younger children maintaining status quo is certainly worth considering.  You could then arrange special time with your children, perhaps even travel someplace and start a new tradition.  You could celebrate Festivus.

5. Santa is not the only one checking the naughty and nice list! Kids may not seem like they are paying attention, especially when we ask them to do something, but they are crafty little beings.  Kids are always evaluating things and learn from what we do, especially when we wish they were not listening or looking.  The manner in which you handle your relationship with your ex can provide valuable, life-long lessons to your children about respect and dealing with difficult situations.  It can also make you look like a jerk (not you, but some people). This may be the best gift you can give to your children.  They will no doubt prefer a cool video game, but you get the point.

6.  Surround yourself with friends, other family members. It is a good idea to spend time with friends or other relatives instead of isolating yourself.  You can also make new friends – just don’t introduce your kids to your new friend(s) on Christmas morning at breakfast.   Also, consider dressing up as an elf or a human dreidel and attending all holiday parties in character.

7.  Buy yourself something really cool.  Suggestions include a motorcycle, iPhone, Jewelry, MacBook Pro, iPhone, iPod, a lizard, clothes, nine ladies dancing or ten lords a leaping depending what floats your boat,  etc.  Anything but a fruit cake.

8. Get the flu or the Chicken Pox.  If you are like me and get a little worn out during the holidays or other days that end in “y” you could get the flu or the chicken pox.   I had both of these things during the holidays (different years) and I didn’t have to go to any holiday parties whatsoever.

9.  Be cooperative with your former spouse.  It can be helpful to discuss schedules and ideas for gifts for the children in advance (don’t want to duplicate efforts).  Make the holidays about peace and joy, not conflict and resentment.

10.  Late at night, sneak over to your ex’s place and build a large, anatomically correct snow statue of him or her in the yard.

Tips for Surviving the Holidays During and After Divorce by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Just a reminder that The Divorce Collaborative will be sponsoring a free seminar on Wednesday, December 9th at 7:00 pm, at our offices located at 77 Main Street, Medway, MA. For more information and to register, please visit the info box to the right. We are pleased to have Dr. Sandy Portnoy, noted divorce coach and therapist, joining us to discuss the effects of divorce on kids, among other things.

The next monthly seminar date is January 6, 2010. Seminars are conducted on the 2nd wednesday each month at 7:00 pm. Please check the site for updates.

Free Divorce Seminar on Wednesday, December 9 at TDC is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative