At The Divorce Collaborative LLC, we never tase our clients.

Breaking up is hard to do, but it can be even worse during a down economy.  An August 28, 2010 article on the Wall Street Journal Personal Finance page Breaking Up Without Breaking the Bank discussed some of the challenges couples face when divorcing, and how those issues are amplified when assets have diminished in value or when one spouse is unemployed.

There is also a comment from a St. Louis divorce lawyer who notes that hostility between couples is also up – so much so that she even keeps a taser within reach at her office!   Although I think this could be true as people are more nervous about their financial futures (just like folks in intact marriages), we do not have a taser at either our Bedford or Franklin, MA offices.

Plenty of pepper spray, but no tasers.

On a more positive note, the author discusses how alternatives to litigation, including divorce mediation and collaborative divorce,  can pay off financially and promote cooperation during and post-divorce.  Correctly, the article reminds readers that the key is working together.  There is nothing shocking about this advice (OK, that is really bad, sorry).

There are a few points in the article I disagree with, including the statement that most divorcing couples cannot easily work together.  Sure, there is nothing easy about the divorce process, but I think most divorcing couples can work together in a mediation or collaborative setting if they select the right professionals and are mindful of staying focused on the future instead of dwelling on past behaviors – or what you cannot change vs. what you can.

In my experience, the issues that complicate divorce for clients are much more emotional than legal, so I encourage the use of mental health professionals, such as a highly-qualified Divorce Coach, as part of the process.

Remember, although lots of cases (at least here in Massachusetts) start off as court-based, very few result in a trial.  If you want to tell the court about how bad your spouse was, you probably will never have the chance and the courts are not usually too interested in this anyway.

Thus, since the odds are great that you and your spouse will settle your divorce before a trial, why not start off in that direction from the beginning – saving money, time, and lots of stress?

Clearly, not every case is right for mediation or collaborative divorce, but I don’t buy the argument that most couples cannot work through their divorce in a better, more respectful manner.

Divorcing in a Down Economy-Don’t Tase Me, Bro! is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

An experienced mediator can help couples bridge the gap and reach a resolution that both sides can live with.

If you are facing a Massachusetts divorce, then you should certainly consider mediation as an alternative  to expensive litigation.

A mediator is a neutral third party that helps a couple resolve the issues related to their divorce.  Mediation can also be used to assist with post-divorce issues, such as child support or alimony modifications.

Additionally, Mediation to Stay Married is a newer application of the mediation process for couples wishing to improve their relationships and stay together.

Most couples can efficiently use a mediator for their divorce. Mediation is not only for simple divorces or where there is very little conflict.   Couples with complex financial issues and significant conflict can mediate, but make sure your divorce mediator is experienced with such issues.

10 reasons couples select a mediated instead of court-based divorce:

1)    Saves time – couples can have a lot of input regarding the pace of mediation.

2)   Saves money – mediation is almost always less expensive than a traditional court-based  divorce.   At The Divorce Collaborative LLC in Franklin, MA, we even have a number of  fee options available, including fixed fee options, hourly billing, and programs that do not require an advance retainer.

3)   Mediation is less stressful than the adversarial litigation process where the divorce  lawyers are driving the process –  and the costs!

4)    Mediation protects your privacy.

5)    The clients decide what’s fair and best for their family – not the courts or lawyers.

6)    A good mediator will look out for the interests of both parties.

7)    Your mediator should educate you about the financial and legal issues, so you can make good decisions.

   Mediation provides a supportive, cooperative framework for resolving your conflict.

9)    The experience of mediation can improve communication skills between parents, having  a positive effect on post-divorce parenting and child custody issues.

10)  If your mediator is also a lawyer, all of your court forms and the full separation (divorce) agreement are completed as part of the process.

Need more information about divorce mediation in Massachusetts, or other divorce and family law information?

Please call The Divorce Collaborative LLC at (508) 346-3805.

We are happy to answer a few questions or to schedule a meeting in our convenient Franklin, MA office.

10 Reasons More Clients Are Choosing Divorce Mediation is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

If this is your Massachusetts divorce lawyer's or mediator's waiting room, be afraid...very afraid.

Almost everyone I meet seeking a Massachusetts divorce asks this question during their first meeting:  ”How long will my divorce take?” Unfortunately, the real answer is one that lawyers love and clients don’t appreciate – “It depends….” All lawyers learn this response during law school in the first year class “How to Answer Questions Without Really Saying Anything.”

Seriously, though – there are so many variables that this is a difficult question to answer with great specificity.  Interestingly, the divorcing couple can have a major impact on the pace of a divorce, whether a Massachusetts contested divorce, collaborative divorce, or a divorce mediation.  In simple terms, the process used to get through the divorce plays a big role in just how long each case takes to complete.

In order to help clients and all of humanity, I recently designed two timelines that are estimates of a typical contested Massachusetts divorce (divorce litigation) and a Massachusetts divorce mediation.

Skip this part if you are NOT interested in how the 3d Timelines were created.  For anyone remotely interested, I used a great program by the nice folks at BeeDocs, called Timeline 3D.  If you are interested in technology, the cool thing about this program is that you can export the timelines as movies…even 3D movies, and in high-def.  No, you don’t need funny glasses to watch them; and yes, I kept them a few minutes in length.  The program is only available for Macs, not PCs. See, another reason for you to leave the dark side and switch to Macs as I have…c’mon, you know you want to.   I lowered the resolution of the movies so I didn’t annoy my trusted website host, and so they will load quickly.    You can also print out a PDF of the timelines and share them with your friends.

So, now that you have made some popcorn and watched the short timeline videos…

What other factors can effect the speed in which your own Massachusetts divorce will be completed?

1.  Litigated, or court-based divorces tend to take longer than a mediated or collaborative divorce

2. The ability of both sides to compromise

3. The styles and caseload of the attorneys on both sides (litigated cases)

4.  Does either spouse (or both) have an unreasonable position or positions?

5.  The emotional stages of the parties (similar to the stages of grieving)

6.  The level of cooperation by the parties in providing requested financial documents and completing financial statements

7.  Flexibility of scheduling meetings, mediation sessions, etc.  (Everyone seems to want a late afternoon appointment!)

8.  Efficiency of your mediator, collaborative lawyer, or litigation counsel.

9.  If you consider this example to be the model for your divorce, then your divorce will almost certainly take longer, if it doesn’t kill you.

10. All other variables – one party is required to travel frequently for their job, military deployment, illness, purposeful stalling, switching                attorneys, abandoning one process to select another, etc.

Massachusetts Divorce Timelines…Now In 3D! is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

For children – no matter what age –  divorce can be a major source of distress.  The article below was written by Betsy Ross, an experienced therapist and divorce coach from Sharon, Massachusetts.   At The Divorce Collaborative LLC in Franklin, MA, Betsy  is frequently part of the mediation process for couples that select the firm’s comprehensive fixed-fee mediation program or a collaborative divorce.  Betsy wrote the article below from the child’s point of view –  a point of view that should be of paramount importance for divorcing or post-divorce couples.    I hope you find the article helpful, and thanks to Betsy for sharing it with our readers.

- Stephen F. McDonough, Esq.

From Your Child’s Point of View: 10 Steps To A Successful Massachusetts Divorce

By Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP

1. Focus on the present.

Being stuck in the blame game or trying to hurt each other for what happened in the past only makes it harder for you two to reach an agreement.  Having you come to an agreement would mean that we can all move ahead with our family life (and try to put this mess behind us)…this is one of the only things that keeps me going these days!

2. Think about and plan for the future.

Please keep in mind that my needs will be changing over time as I grow. So, when you both talk about custody and visitation schedules and finances, remember that what works for me now may not work for me in the future. I may be happy to alternate weekends at Daddy’s and Mommy’s for now, but when I am a teenager, that idea may not be so appealing. Also, before long I may need hockey skates, a Girl Scout uniform, a trumpet, a few weeks at summer camp, or a fancy outfit (for my confirmation or prom) so please plan for these expenses too.

3. Try to put yourself in my shoes.

Remember that your ‘spouse’ is also my parent. It would help me if you could remember that I need you both to parent me and love me. I want both of you to get what you need to be happy and healthy so you can do a great job at taking care of me!

4. Don’t say mean or critical things about my other parent.

They are the world to me, just like you are. Don’t ever make me take sides because even if you think that I am taking your side and you have ‘won’, I will lose! Nothing should get in the way of my good feelings about my Mom or my Dad if you want me to grow up healthy and strong.

5. Leave me out of your dating/social life. I don’t need to know right now about whom you are seeing or what you are doing. Even if it looks like a serious, healthy, and long lasting relationship has been established, please think long and hard before you drag me into it.

6. Hold up your end of the bargain. If you said that you would pick me up from school on Tuesday or that we would spend the afternoon together on Sunday, be sure to keep your word. Life has become unpredictable and scary enough for me so please don’t make it even more difficult by disappointing me.

7. Be patient with me.

The breakup of our family is scary and hard for me because I won’t ever fully understand how a thing like this could happen to us. Even if divorce means our lives will be better in the future (and I sure hope it does), change can be very frightening for me and I need some time to get used to things.

8. Remember to tell me this isn’t my fault.

Divorce is rough on kids. Don't make it worse than it has to be.

Even though you both know that I had nothing to do with your marriage, I get confused sometimes and I will probably blame myself for having some role in your breakup. Don’t ever stop telling me that you love me and that it isn’t my fault. I need to hear that from you both.

9. Encourage me to talk about how I am feeling.

I have lots of feelings about this whole situation and I need a place where I can talk. Please keep asking me how I am even if I don’t have an answer. Please consider offering me an opportunity to talk to a professional so I can say what is on my mind without having to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s not a good idea for me to hold this all in.

10. Pay attention to me.

Am I eating regularly? Sleeping well? Moody? Withdrawn or hyper? Have I changed my friends? How are my grades? School attendance? Hobbies? These are some of the clues that will communicate to you how I am doing (when I may not be able to put these things into words myself).

Divorce and Parenting – 10 Steps to Make it Successful From Your Child’s Point of View is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Most of you have heard of a prenuptial agreement since they are frequently discussed in the media, especially during reports about divorces of the rich and famous.  Although not as well-known, postnuptial (also known as marital or post-marital) agreements also exist.  A postnuptial agreement is entered into by a married couple to set forth the details of their settlement in the event of a divorce, but are drafted before the time of divorce, sometimes in an attempt to actually improve a marriage. A marital agreement is different from a separation agreement (also sometimes referred to as a divorce agreement) that is drafted for the purpose of getting a couple divorced. Thus, a post-nup or (post)marital agreement serves the same general purposes of a premarital agreement, but is signed after uttering “I do”  instead of before.   Got it?

Until  last week’s decision by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court, the status and enforceability of such agreements in Massachusetts was murky.  Now, we have a clear decision on the acceptability and standards of such agreements here in MA.

The SJC decided in the case of Kenneth S. Ansin vs. Cheryl A. Craven-Ansin that such agreements do not violate public policy and may be enforced.  The Court went on to say, similar to many other states, that before a marital agreement is sanctioned, careful scrutiny by the judge is necessary in a number of areas, including:

QUESTIONS FOR THE COURT TO CONSIDER

1. Has each party had the opportunity to obtain their own legal counsel of their own choosing?
2. Was fraud or coercion present in obtaining the agreement?
3. Were all assets fully disclosed by both parties before the agreement was signed?
4. Did each spouse knowingly and explicitly agree in writing to waive the right to have the court make an equitable division of assets and all marital rights in the evnt of divorce?
5. Were the terms of the agreement fair and reasonable at the time the agreement was entered into and also fair and reasonable at the time of the divorce?

If you want to read more about the case, click here.

This decision will be helpful to both couples and Massachusetts divorce lawyers when it comes to drafting and negotiating post-marital agreements.

Massachusetts Marital Agreement Case Decided is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

A recent article on Boston.com by Bella English discussed the increasing number of divorces in long-term marriages, using Al and Tipper Gore’s pending divorce as the background for the story.   Here is a link to the article.

One of the issues discussed in the story is that as we live longer, older couples in unhappy marriages do not just stay together as many couples did generations ago.   Some interesting stats on divorce in general are presented.

In my divorce and mediation practice in the Franklin, MA area, there does seem to be more cases coming in where a couple has been married more than 20 years.  As related in the Boston.com article, many people express dissatisfaction with their relationship going back a long-time, and frequently cite similar reasons for sticking together.

Divorce in Long-Term Marriages, Boston.com story is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

I am pleased to announce that The Divorce Collaborative LLC will be relocating from our current location in Medway, MA, to 9 Summer Street, Suite 301, Franklin Center Commons, Franklin, MA, effective June 1, 2010.

Franklin Center Commons sits just off Rt. 140 in downtown Franklin and is close to the MBTA commuter rail station, shops and restaurants. There is abundant parking towards the rear of the building in the lot near the second Franklin Center Commons building.

Many people have asked “Why the move?”

Our existing location is a shared building, and scheduling conference room time has become a challenge.  Additionally, having our own location provides enhanced privacy and comfort for our clients.  Franklin Center Commons is a relatively new building, and the modern data/telecom wiring will better serve the needs of the firm.

Also, I like the Mexican restaurant down the street.

What else will be changing?

Our fax number and email addresses will stay the same.   We will have a new main telephone number, but we won’t know what it is for another week or so due to some weird Comcast thing.  As soon as we know the new number, it will be available on the website.   Our current number will be set to forward to the new number.

The Divorce Collaborative LLC works closely with clients facing divorce or post-divorce issues who desire to resolve conflict in a less adversarial and more respectful manner.  The firm focuses on divorce mediation and collaborative divorce, but will represent clients in court when necessary.

The new home of The Divorce Collaborative LLC; 9 Summer Street, Suite 301 in downtown Franklin, MA

The Divorce Collaborative LLC Announces Move to Franklin, MA is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Yesterday I attended a health insurance seminar at the Wellesley Library, put on by the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation.  The presenter, Attorney Clare McGorrian, did a great job of covering issues concerning access to health coverage during family transitions, such as divorce.   Whether your divorce process of choice is litigation, mediation or collaborative law, there are a few things you should know about health insurance before you begin.  Here are some popular questions and quick answers:

QUESTION 1: I just filed for divorce.  My spouse wants to kick me off her/his health insurance.  Can she/he do this?

ANSWER 1:  No.  When a party files for divorce, an automatic restraining order is entered by the Court.  Among other protections, the restraining order prevents either party from removing their spouse and/or children from an existing health insurance policy.  The restraining order typically lasts for the length of the divorce action.

QUESTION 2:  My health insurance is covered through my spouses’s employer.  We are in the process of getting divorced.  Can we put language in the Separation Agreement indicating my spouse has to keep me covered?

ANSWER 2: Well, it depends (I know, I know… a typical lawyer answer).  Believe it or not, the answer depends on what type of health plan your spouse has.  For plans which are regulated by Massachusetts law, a spouse who is a group health plan member and is a party to a divorce judgment remains eligible as a plan member.  This eligibility generally lasts until one of the parties remarries (unless the parties agree to other events which lead to coverage termination).  However, if your spouse’s health plan is a self-insured plan, then the insurer can decide whether or not an ex-spouse is covered and often chooses not to cover the ex-spouse.

QUESTION 3: How do I know whether or not my health care provider is self-insured?

ANSWER 3:  Write a letter to your health care provider asking for a Summary Plan Description.  You should do this early on in the divorce process and allow for some time for the insurer to respond.  You will want to get this answer from the health care provider in writing.

QUESTION 4: If my spouse’s health plan is self-insured and does not cover me following my divorce, what are my options?

ANSWER 4:  You have several options available to you.  You may qualify for COBRA, a federal program which gives workers and their families the right to continue existing group health care coverage for up to 36 months.  Under this plan, individuals must pay 102% of health care premiums.  There are also many options available under Massachusetts’ Commonwealth Connector program.

This is just a basic overview of common questions asked by litigation and mediation clients facing divorce. Please contact us for more information on your options during divorce.

Divorce and Health Insurance – Don’t Be Left Out With a Cold! is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

This post is Part One in my series of how to select the right professionals to assist you through your divorce, and covers Divorce Coaches.

In a previous post, I wrote about what the role of a divorce coach is, and how they can help you survive your divorce and lower the conflict for you and your children.  Once you decide that you want to work with a divorce coach, then how should you go about hiring one?

If you are going to work with a divorce coach, which regular readers know I am in favor of, just make sure you select someone with professional credentials and experience.   The coaching field is unregulated, and anyone can declare themselves a coach after a few hours of internet classes although they may not have the professional education or experience in the mental health field to back it up.

My advice is to look for a coach that is a formally trained and educated mental health expert with significant experience counseling individuals, couples, and families.  Some of the best coaches in the Norfolk, Middlesex, and Bristol County Massachusetts areas are also active in professional groups such as the MA Council of Family Mediation and the Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council.

Please note that the designations below are not coaching certifications.  Coaching certifications do exist, but seem to be geared to  coaches that do not have professional degrees and may be coaching people in a corporate or job hunting setting.   Much more importantly in my opinion for you is to select  someone that has expertise and credentials in the field of mental health.

Designations to look for include:

• Psychologist – Doctorate degree with designation of Psy.D or Ph.D. – These folks have 1,000s of hours of training and clinical experience, with specialized training in clinical assessment, diagnosis, psychotherapies, and research.
• Clinical Social Worker – Typically a Master’s Degree level of education is required, and these professionals will have the MSW (Masters in Social Work) or the LCSW/LICSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) designation.
• Psychiatric Nurses – Most psych nureses are trained initially as a regular registered nurse (RN) and then complete specialized training in psychiatry, psychotherapy, and also complete hundreds of hours of clinical experience.  They can prescribe psychiatric medications in many states.
• Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) – Although many MFTs have a Masters Degree, in some states they can have a Bachelors degree or even less formal education.   Substantial clinical experience is normally required, although different states have varying requirements.
• Licensed Professional Counselor – Again, requirements differ form state to state, but this designation may be seen in addition to professional education degrees, but most are Master’s level pros with much clinical experience.

Other important factors cannot be quantified by designations.  Feeling comfortable with your divorce coach and having a good connection clearly needs to be a priority factor as well.

The second part of this series will cover financial professionals, including Certified Divorce Financial Planners.

This is a photo of a real Divorce Coach, Betsy Ross, LICSW, from Stoughton, MA.

Selecting the Right Divorce Coach is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

How will you choose your divorce support team?

If you are contemplating a divorce in Massachusetts, take the time to carefully select your professional support team.  With the economy still taking its toll, it can be tempting to try and get through your divorce cheaply or even without any help at all.   The strain on everyone’s wallet has also increased the number of divorce-related businesses, and you should be careful when hiring people to help you through your divorce.  Very careful, in fact.

Remember – only lawyers can provide you with legal advice.

Don’t assume that the person you are dealing with is a licensed attorney.  Although lawyers are highly regulated and must follow strict ethical guidelines (as do professional mental health experts), other business people may try give the impression that they are licensed or certified, but you should carefully check out such claims.  If someone claims they are certified, what organization has certified them, and is such organization respected and well-known in the industry?  You should know these things and then compare such requirements to those of other educated professionals.

For example, a local divorce mediator website I looked at recently would certainly make one believe that this particular mediator is an attorney.  This mediator claims to be a “recognized specialist in family law.”  Although I am a lawyer and have practiced divorce and family law almost exclusively, I am unable to make such a claim without pushing the attorney ethical rules in Massachusetts.  Although this person may be a good mediator, she is NOT a lawyer.  I think trying to give the impression otherwise is wrong.

This is not to say that I am discouraging the use of other experienced, credentialed professionals as part of your divorce support network.  In fact, I frequently use experienced and qualified divorce coaches and financial professionals when helpful to clients, and even include their services as part of our Fixed Fee Divorce Mediation, Collaborative Divorce, and Contested Divorce programs, and feel that the team approach is generally a good idea.

Divorcing in Massachusetts? How to Select the Right Professionals is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative