For children – no matter what age –  divorce can be a major source of distress.  The article below was written by Betsy Ross, an experienced therapist and divorce coach from Sharon, Massachusetts.   At The Divorce Collaborative LLC in Franklin, MA, Betsy  is frequently part of the mediation process for couples that select the firm’s comprehensive fixed-fee mediation program or a collaborative divorce.  Betsy wrote the article below from the child’s point of view –  a point of view that should be of paramount importance for divorcing or post-divorce couples.    I hope you find the article helpful, and thanks to Betsy for sharing it with our readers.

- Stephen F. McDonough, Esq.

From Your Child’s Point of View: 10 Steps To A Successful Massachusetts Divorce

By Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP

1. Focus on the present.

Being stuck in the blame game or trying to hurt each other for what happened in the past only makes it harder for you two to reach an agreement.  Having you come to an agreement would mean that we can all move ahead with our family life (and try to put this mess behind us)…this is one of the only things that keeps me going these days!

2. Think about and plan for the future.

Please keep in mind that my needs will be changing over time as I grow. So, when you both talk about custody and visitation schedules and finances, remember that what works for me now may not work for me in the future. I may be happy to alternate weekends at Daddy’s and Mommy’s for now, but when I am a teenager, that idea may not be so appealing. Also, before long I may need hockey skates, a Girl Scout uniform, a trumpet, a few weeks at summer camp, or a fancy outfit (for my confirmation or prom) so please plan for these expenses too.

3. Try to put yourself in my shoes.

Remember that your ‘spouse’ is also my parent. It would help me if you could remember that I need you both to parent me and love me. I want both of you to get what you need to be happy and healthy so you can do a great job at taking care of me!

4. Don’t say mean or critical things about my other parent.

They are the world to me, just like you are. Don’t ever make me take sides because even if you think that I am taking your side and you have ‘won’, I will lose! Nothing should get in the way of my good feelings about my Mom or my Dad if you want me to grow up healthy and strong.

5. Leave me out of your dating/social life. I don’t need to know right now about whom you are seeing or what you are doing. Even if it looks like a serious, healthy, and long lasting relationship has been established, please think long and hard before you drag me into it.

6. Hold up your end of the bargain. If you said that you would pick me up from school on Tuesday or that we would spend the afternoon together on Sunday, be sure to keep your word. Life has become unpredictable and scary enough for me so please don’t make it even more difficult by disappointing me.

7. Be patient with me.

The breakup of our family is scary and hard for me because I won’t ever fully understand how a thing like this could happen to us. Even if divorce means our lives will be better in the future (and I sure hope it does), change can be very frightening for me and I need some time to get used to things.

8. Remember to tell me this isn’t my fault.

Divorce is rough on kids. Don't make it worse than it has to be.

Even though you both know that I had nothing to do with your marriage, I get confused sometimes and I will probably blame myself for having some role in your breakup. Don’t ever stop telling me that you love me and that it isn’t my fault. I need to hear that from you both.

9. Encourage me to talk about how I am feeling.

I have lots of feelings about this whole situation and I need a place where I can talk. Please keep asking me how I am even if I don’t have an answer. Please consider offering me an opportunity to talk to a professional so I can say what is on my mind without having to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s not a good idea for me to hold this all in.

10. Pay attention to me.

Am I eating regularly? Sleeping well? Moody? Withdrawn or hyper? Have I changed my friends? How are my grades? School attendance? Hobbies? These are some of the clues that will communicate to you how I am doing (when I may not be able to put these things into words myself).

Divorce and Parenting – 10 Steps to Make it Successful From Your Child’s Point of View is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

There are two books that I  frequently suggest to clients with school-age children, so I thought it might be helpful to reference them in a short post.   An overwhelming amount of material exists on divorce, some of it good and some of it harmful.  When you do find a helpful resource, don’t foget to share it with your spouse as early in the process as possible.

The first is The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons, Ph.D.  This book provides valuable information for families making the transition from a nuclear family to a “binuclear” family that spans two households while continuing to meet the needs of the children.

Another useful text for those with school-age children is by another mental health professional and mediator, Isolina Ricci, Ph.D.  Her book, Mom’s House, Dad’s House:  Making Two Homes for your Child, was originally published in 1980 but was updated in 1997.   It can be helpful before, during, or after divorce, and it is a good choice for step-parents to read.  Besides custody and co-parenting information, Dr. Ricci covers some myths about divorce and some of the emotional factors involved in ending a relationship.  There are also sections on legal issues, divorce mediation, long-term parenting plans, and special situations such as long-distance parenting.

There is also a version of this book designed for children.

What books have you found helpful during or after your divorce?  Please let us know by sending in a comment.

Suggested Reads is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Everyone knows that a divorce is stressful, but there are some steps you can take to better manage the anxiety surrounding the process.    I was orginally going to call this post  “The Top 10 Ways to Maintain Your Divorce Sanity”  but I really felt the need to have #11.  I am sure there are other good suggestions that I left off this list, so please send along any other suggestions.  Also, this post assumes you were mostly sane prior to your divorce commencing.   Well, here we go:

1.  Realize that your divorce is your divorce.  It is not your friend’s or your sister’s, and what happened in their divorce may not have anything at all to do with your situation.  After divorce, some people are too willing to provide advice based on their own experiences and perceptions.   Family and friends can at times be a good source of support, but putting too much stake in their opinions can, as we sometimes say around Boston despite our best efforts not to,  be ” a wicked bad idea.”

2. Take Care of Yourself – Nothing groundbreaking here, but try to get plenty of rest and some exercise.  Avoid excessive alcohol consumption and self-medicating.  Go to a concert or a comedy club.  Go someplace fun with your kids or friends.  Make some new friends.  Do not become a divorce martyr.   Nobody likes that.  

3.  Try to acknowledge your emotions and respond accordingly.  If you are feeling very angry or depressed or very something else, then by all means find a mental health professional to be part of your “Divorce Management Team.”

4.  Somewhat related to #3, but different…Seriously Consider Using the Services of a Divorce Coach – Sure, hiring a divorce coach can cost some money, but it can actually save you expenses in the long run and provide you with a number of benefits that may have long-lasting positive effects.  Coaching is not the same as counseling or therapy.  My opinion is that not everyone needs therapy, but everyone (well almost everyone) could benefit from using an experienced divorce coach.

5.  Consider that You Cannot Control your Spouse – Becoming frustrated by wishing your spouse was a different type of person,  or trying to micro-manage their parenting style is likely a large waste of your energy and a source of great frustration.   If you could have changed your spouse, you might not be getting divorced in the first place.

6.  If you have kids, sell them in order to lower your stress level and pick up some extra cash.  Just kidding!  Actually, remember to focus on what is best for your children during the divorce process.   It is best for kids to have strong relationships with both parents.  You should encourage this, even when you find it really annoying and difficult.  Also, remember that your kids are not substitutes for those people mentioned in #3 and #4, even if your kids are not kids anymore; nor are they little messengers or subjects to be interrogated about Mom’s new boyfriend or Dad’s new job.

7.  Here’s That Rainy Day – Remeber the money you saved for a rainy day?  You should consider divorce a rain day, or maybe a  small typhoon.  What? The bad economy  already exhausted that account?   My point is to not skimp on hiring the right professionals during your divorce.  You should not have to spend a small fortune, but I would be very leery of trying to handle your own divorce.  I would not try my own surgery or fix my own car.   All of these things could end badly.

8.  Don’t Try to Punish Your Spouse – Divorce is not about getting even, it is about positioning yourself and your family for a happy and healthy future.   If you focus on making up for past behaviors or incidents, such as infidelity or getting a set of pots and pans for Christmas, unless you asked for that, then you are in for a bumpier than necessary ride on the divorce wagon.  Focus on the future.  Yeee hawww!

9.  Let Some Little Things Go (a.k.a. “Pick Your Battles”) – I am not advocating that you should be a push-over or agree to things that are not good for you or your family, but try to maintain flexibility.  Does it help your co-parenting relationship with your spouse if you yell at them because they were 10 minutes late dropping off the kids?  Probably not, and you might be late next month!

10.  Educate and Empower Yourself – Research shows people are  more anxious when facing the unknown.  I am not sure what research exactly, but it seems like something that somebody probably researched sometime.  Moving along, you may not know exactly how your own divorce will turn out, but you can learn the basics regarding child support, alimony, property division, and parenting plans and custody.  Read about what different process options exist, such as mediation, collaborative divorce, or litigation.   Make sure you have enough good information to make informed decisions (re-read #1 again).  Keep an eye on this blog.

11. Keep Communications Respectful and Business-Like – Yes, this is a two way street, but you can at least set decent standards for your portion of the communications.  I once asked a client how they would feel if his daughter read an email he sent her mom in a few years?  Ouch.    I know that this is not always easy, but you can do it, or at least try.   Sure, you might slip up at first, but avoid threats, issuing ultimatums, name calling, and gossiping on social media outlets about your personal family matters related to divorce.

So any other suggestions to help people  mantain sanity and manage stress during divorce?  Please feel free to send us your comments.  Your name is not posted publicly of course.

Maintain Your Divorce Sanity! is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

At least that’s the goal of a new educational program in Norfolk County.   In a recent press release, the Probate and Family Court announced the new program, which will provide basic information about the family court process to any person who has a case pending in Norfolk County, or who is considering filing a Divorce, Paternity, Contempt, Guardianship of a Minor, or Custody Complaint.

The program, known as, “Navigation Through the Probate and Family Court,” is presented by staff and others working together with the court, including the Norfolk Law Library.

Basic information about the family court process will be presented, followed by a general question and answer period.

The program is scheduled for the last Wednesday of each month at 7:00 PM.  Each class lasts about 1 and 1/2 hours.  The next class is scheduled for April, 29, 2009.  The location for at least the next 5 classes will be at Canton High School, 990 Washington Street, Canton, MA.

Sometimes A Little Knowledge Is A Good Thing is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative