An experienced mediator can help couples bridge the gap and reach a resolution that both sides can live with.

If you are facing a Massachusetts divorce, then you should certainly consider mediation as an alternative  to expensive litigation.

A mediator is a neutral third party that helps a couple resolve the issues related to their divorce.  Mediation can also be used to assist with post-divorce issues, such as child support or alimony modifications.

Additionally, Mediation to Stay Married is a newer application of the mediation process for couples wishing to improve their relationships and stay together.

Most couples can efficiently use a mediator for their divorce. Mediation is not only for simple divorces or where there is very little conflict.   Couples with complex financial issues and significant conflict can mediate, but make sure your divorce mediator is experienced with such issues.

10 reasons couples select a mediated instead of court-based divorce:

1)    Saves time – couples can have a lot of input regarding the pace of mediation.

2)   Saves money – mediation is almost always less expensive than a traditional court-based  divorce.   At The Divorce Collaborative LLC in Franklin, MA, we even have a number of  fee options available, including fixed fee options, hourly billing, and programs that do not require an advance retainer.

3)   Mediation is less stressful than the adversarial litigation process where the divorce  lawyers are driving the process –  and the costs!

4)    Mediation protects your privacy.

5)    The clients decide what’s fair and best for their family – not the courts or lawyers.

6)    A good mediator will look out for the interests of both parties.

7)    Your mediator should educate you about the financial and legal issues, so you can make good decisions.

   Mediation provides a supportive, cooperative framework for resolving your conflict.

9)    The experience of mediation can improve communication skills between parents, having  a positive effect on post-divorce parenting and child custody issues.

10)  If your mediator is also a lawyer, all of your court forms and the full separation (divorce) agreement are completed as part of the process.

Need more information about divorce mediation in Massachusetts, or other divorce and family law information?

Please call The Divorce Collaborative LLC at (508) 346-3805.

We are happy to answer a few questions or to schedule a meeting in our convenient Franklin, MA office.

10 Reasons More Clients Are Choosing Divorce Mediation is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

For children – no matter what age –  divorce can be a major source of distress.  The article below was written by Betsy Ross, an experienced therapist and divorce coach from Sharon, Massachusetts.   At The Divorce Collaborative LLC in Franklin, MA, Betsy  is frequently part of the mediation process for couples that select the firm’s comprehensive fixed-fee mediation program or a collaborative divorce.  Betsy wrote the article below from the child’s point of view –  a point of view that should be of paramount importance for divorcing or post-divorce couples.    I hope you find the article helpful, and thanks to Betsy for sharing it with our readers.

- Stephen F. McDonough, Esq.

From Your Child’s Point of View: 10 Steps To A Successful Massachusetts Divorce

By Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP

1. Focus on the present.

Being stuck in the blame game or trying to hurt each other for what happened in the past only makes it harder for you two to reach an agreement.  Having you come to an agreement would mean that we can all move ahead with our family life (and try to put this mess behind us)…this is one of the only things that keeps me going these days!

2. Think about and plan for the future.

Please keep in mind that my needs will be changing over time as I grow. So, when you both talk about custody and visitation schedules and finances, remember that what works for me now may not work for me in the future. I may be happy to alternate weekends at Daddy’s and Mommy’s for now, but when I am a teenager, that idea may not be so appealing. Also, before long I may need hockey skates, a Girl Scout uniform, a trumpet, a few weeks at summer camp, or a fancy outfit (for my confirmation or prom) so please plan for these expenses too.

3. Try to put yourself in my shoes.

Remember that your ‘spouse’ is also my parent. It would help me if you could remember that I need you both to parent me and love me. I want both of you to get what you need to be happy and healthy so you can do a great job at taking care of me!

4. Don’t say mean or critical things about my other parent.

They are the world to me, just like you are. Don’t ever make me take sides because even if you think that I am taking your side and you have ‘won’, I will lose! Nothing should get in the way of my good feelings about my Mom or my Dad if you want me to grow up healthy and strong.

5. Leave me out of your dating/social life. I don’t need to know right now about whom you are seeing or what you are doing. Even if it looks like a serious, healthy, and long lasting relationship has been established, please think long and hard before you drag me into it.

6. Hold up your end of the bargain. If you said that you would pick me up from school on Tuesday or that we would spend the afternoon together on Sunday, be sure to keep your word. Life has become unpredictable and scary enough for me so please don’t make it even more difficult by disappointing me.

7. Be patient with me.

The breakup of our family is scary and hard for me because I won’t ever fully understand how a thing like this could happen to us. Even if divorce means our lives will be better in the future (and I sure hope it does), change can be very frightening for me and I need some time to get used to things.

8. Remember to tell me this isn’t my fault.

Divorce is rough on kids. Don't make it worse than it has to be.

Even though you both know that I had nothing to do with your marriage, I get confused sometimes and I will probably blame myself for having some role in your breakup. Don’t ever stop telling me that you love me and that it isn’t my fault. I need to hear that from you both.

9. Encourage me to talk about how I am feeling.

I have lots of feelings about this whole situation and I need a place where I can talk. Please keep asking me how I am even if I don’t have an answer. Please consider offering me an opportunity to talk to a professional so I can say what is on my mind without having to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s not a good idea for me to hold this all in.

10. Pay attention to me.

Am I eating regularly? Sleeping well? Moody? Withdrawn or hyper? Have I changed my friends? How are my grades? School attendance? Hobbies? These are some of the clues that will communicate to you how I am doing (when I may not be able to put these things into words myself).

Divorce and Parenting – 10 Steps to Make it Successful From Your Child’s Point of View is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

How will you choose your divorce support team?

If you are contemplating a divorce in Massachusetts, take the time to carefully select your professional support team.  With the economy still taking its toll, it can be tempting to try and get through your divorce cheaply or even without any help at all.   The strain on everyone’s wallet has also increased the number of divorce-related businesses, and you should be careful when hiring people to help you through your divorce.  Very careful, in fact.

Remember – only lawyers can provide you with legal advice.

Don’t assume that the person you are dealing with is a licensed attorney.  Although lawyers are highly regulated and must follow strict ethical guidelines (as do professional mental health experts), other business people may try give the impression that they are licensed or certified, but you should carefully check out such claims.  If someone claims they are certified, what organization has certified them, and is such organization respected and well-known in the industry?  You should know these things and then compare such requirements to those of other educated professionals.

For example, a local divorce mediator website I looked at recently would certainly make one believe that this particular mediator is an attorney.  This mediator claims to be a “recognized specialist in family law.”  Although I am a lawyer and have practiced divorce and family law almost exclusively, I am unable to make such a claim without pushing the attorney ethical rules in Massachusetts.  Although this person may be a good mediator, she is NOT a lawyer.  I think trying to give the impression otherwise is wrong.

This is not to say that I am discouraging the use of other experienced, credentialed professionals as part of your divorce support network.  In fact, I frequently use experienced and qualified divorce coaches and financial professionals when helpful to clients, and even include their services as part of our Fixed Fee Divorce Mediation, Collaborative Divorce, and Contested Divorce programs, and feel that the team approach is generally a good idea.

Divorcing in Massachusetts? How to Select the Right Professionals is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

I had to take a picture of the soccer field/lake in front of the Willet Elementary School in Attleboro.

In the last few weeks, people from all over Norfolk and Bristol counties have become familiar with contingency plans.  I’ve learned alternative routes to get to work (and have become much a more familiar with Medfield, Norfolk, Mills and Medway in the process).  My parents learned just how many pumps are necessary to get 7 inches of water out of the basement of their Attleboro home! The incredibly creative people of Wayland have learned alternative ways to get around and surely have a new appreciation for duck boats!   But it’s not just those getting re-routed, pumping out water or finding alternative modes of transportation who need contingency plans – newly divorced parents need them too!

Here are some family contingency plans recently divorced parents often benefit from:

1. Childcare Fallbacks.

Sometimes recently separated/divorced parents are at a loss for what to do when something comes up and they need a babysitter.  These parents seek out family, neighbors, parents of their kids’ friends and other trusted adults (often even their former spouse) and check in with them to find out if/when they could help, if needed.  Other parents interview potential emergency babysitters and get them used to their kids way way in advance to prepare for when they might need them.  I even know one parent who has three fallback child care providers for each afternoon of the week, just in case she has to work late  Single parents with a long list of trusty fall backs are often those with the greatest peace of mind.

2. Estate Planning.

What happens if one parent passes away?  Meeting with an estate planning attorney is often critical for parents who want to make sure their children are provided for in the event of their death.  Trusts can be set up for the benefit of children and a trustee may be specifically named to oversee the distributions.

3. Financial Planning.

One benefit to the divorce process (Yes, benefit!) is that you have an opportunity to take a realistic look at what you have, what you owe and what you can afford.  Many people going through a divorce also take advantage of the opportunity to see a financial planner who can help them figure out what they should spend, what they should save and how they can meet their financial goals.

4.  New Family Traditions/Memories.

When parents divorce, traditions often change.  While it is easy to focus on what is different from previous years or a lost sense of “normal,” people sometimes forget that they now have new opportunities to make new traditions and memories with their family.  You may not be going to your ex’s parent’s house for Christmas Eve, as you have done for the past fifteen years, but you do now have a freedom to start fresh. Whether it is a Fourth of July weekend camping getaway with Dad or a New Years Day family party with Mom, a new start gives parents new opportunities for creativity so take advantage!  Looking for a day trip or something to do this weekend?  Check out Boston.com’s Things To Do page for things going on each day in Massachusetts. Seize the opportunity and enjoy the new freedom to create future memories.

For additional information relating estate planners or financial planners we recommend for divorcing couples, feel free to give us a call at The Divorce Collaborative.  Stay dry!

Massachusetts Divorced Parent Contingency Plans is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

The Divorce Collaborative LLC of Medway and Attleboro Massachusetts is pleased to introduce our colleague and guest blogger,  Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP.  Betsy is a Massachusetts divorce coach and a member of the Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council.  Betsy’s expertise in collaborative divorce coaching, couples/family therapy, and group dynamics helps her to assist clients in emotionally managing the difficult feelings associated with divorce, establish healthy co-parenting skills, and plan for a better life going forward.  Betsy has offices in Stoughton and Sharon, MA.

What can you do to minimize the negative effects of divorce on your children and your family life?

Helping children through divorce should be every parent's priority

Here are the top-tips to keep your children healthy and safe.

Tell the truth in an age appropriate fashion. No need to go into details but let your kids know what is really happening.  Sometimes we try to protect them by not telling them what is happening or about to happen. Doing so will only confuse and worry them if they already suspect that something is wrong.  Kids are very smart and can sense when family life is not OK.  Let them know, as simply as possible, what is going on and what they can expect.

Listen to your children’s concerns. At times we assume that if our children aren’t saying anything, then things must be all right.  This is not always the case.  Sometimes we need to give our children permission to say what is upsetting or worrying them, even if it hurts for us to hear it.  Everyone in the family is and will continue to be effected by the state of your marriage.  Give them a chance to share with you how it is effecting them and what their concerns are.  It will help them to have permission to say how they feel rather than suffer in silence.

Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your children. You are talking about your child’s other parent whom they love no matter what!  If you put them in a position where they have to listen to your negative thoughts or feelings about their other parent, you are forcing them to feel disloyal just for listening and hurting their relationship with their parent.  No adult has the right to sabotage a child’s relationship with their parent no matter what!  Trying to get your children to take sides in a divorce is cruel and will ultimately hurt your relationship with them.

Make sure your children have their own space at both parents’ homes. It doesn’t have to be a separate room.  Even if it’s just in the corner of a room, there should be a place for them, that is exclusively theirs, in each residence.  Set up some shelves, a bureau, a bookcase…whatever will help your children to feel at home in both places.   This is where they live no so don’t make them feel like visitors.

Remember that your child is not your best friend, confidant, or therapist. No matter how old or sophisticated your child is, they are not equipped emotionally to hear your deep dark thoughts about your marriage, your spouse, your life, or your problems.  They are your children.  They need to be allowed to be themselves with their own concerns and remain as unburdened by your mistakes and difficulties as possible.

Tell your children (repeatedly) that the divorce isn’t their fault. Believe it or not, children often blame themselves for what happens, even for your divorce.  They may actually think that if they had been better at cleaning their room, getting A’s, behaving better, etc. then it wouldn’t have happened.  It is your duty to repeatedly remind them that they had nothing at all to do with your divorce.  It’s never a child’s fault.

Learn to control yourself around your soon to be ex-spouse. Your children have undoubtedly had their fill of listening to the two of you yell and bicker.  Enough.  Someone has to act like an adult and take the high road.  It might as well be you.  Don’t say it, bite your tongue, turn the other cheek, walk away…whatever works to keep your children from being exposed to even more fighting between the two of you.  Behave yourself when your former spouse is present or on the phone.  Be polite and courteous and always remember that your children are watching and listening to what you do.

Don’t just give up and accept whatever is being offered. While you may be feeling guilty and just want to get it over by agreeing to more than you should, resist!  You need to make sure that what you agree to will help you to create a new life for yourself going forward.  If you take care of your needs, within reason, you will be better able to take care of your children’s needs too.

Get help for yourself and your kids. You may need a counselor or coach to talk with.  Your children may need a counselor or coach to talk with.  You all may be experiencing emotional stress and duress in the form of stomachaches, headaches, sleeplessness, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, nausea, etc.  Talk to your family doctor, a therapist, coach, pastor, etc. about what you can do to get help.

Helping Children Through Divorce, by Divorce Coach Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Don't Get All Tangled Up Over the Holidays

The Holiday season is upon us.  Some people, like my mom for instance, love the holidays.  Decorating is a multi-week process and there are so many ornaments on the tree that she and my step-father must deploy a support cable attached to a nearby wall to help hold it up.  It is about what you would expect to see on a large suspension bridge. Between December 1st and the end of January (we have lots of January birthdays in the family) I estimate that my mother will host or attend (mostly host) somewhere in the area of 624 social events. Holiday music is clearly audible pre-Thanksgiving.

Not everyone loves this time of year of course.  It can be stressful and hectic, strain our finances, and make our clothes shrink.  I think that happens due to the lower temperatures effecting the fabric.  Yeah, that’s it.

For families involved in a divorce or for families that have already experienced a divorce, the holidays can be an especially difficult period.  Traditions are changed, time with your kids may be carved up like a turkey, and the logistics of moving kids around can feel like a military maneuver.   Most obviously, it can be a sad and even lonely time for some experiencing a feeling of loss due to a separation or divorce.

So, what can you do to help get through the holidays?  What is best for your kids? What should I get Steve for Christmas?   These are all important questions.  Remember, different things work for different families, so be flexible and keep lines of communication open.

1. First, stay away from fruitcake.  These things scare me, nobody really knows what is in them, and they can cause serious injury if you drop them on your foot.  Really, just say no to fruitcake.  Please don’t give them as gifts, not even to your ex.  Also, recent court decisions have held that making your kids eat fruit cake may be used as evidence of bad parenting.

2. Keep Things Simple. Try to be flexible in terms of scheduling parenting time and other events.  Your priority should really be what is best for the kids. Personally, I think splitting a day up between two households can be disruptive as everyone is watching the clock and anticipating having to go someplace else, but this plan may work out fine for some families.

3. If you will not be with your children at a special time, then call them.  If you will not see your children on Christmas morning, then call and wish them a fantastic day, tell them that you love them, and that you cannot wait to see them tomorrow or whenever you will be celebrating with them.  Try not to make them feel guilty by saying how you wish they could be with you instead.

4. Respect past traditions while starting new ones.  If while married the family always went to your in-laws house for Christmas Eve and the children enjoyed this tradition, then you may consider continuing it.  Yes, it can be hard if you are the parent that will not be at the festivities, but for younger children maintaining status quo is certainly worth considering.  You could then arrange special time with your children, perhaps even travel someplace and start a new tradition.  You could celebrate Festivus.

5. Santa is not the only one checking the naughty and nice list! Kids may not seem like they are paying attention, especially when we ask them to do something, but they are crafty little beings.  Kids are always evaluating things and learn from what we do, especially when we wish they were not listening or looking.  The manner in which you handle your relationship with your ex can provide valuable, life-long lessons to your children about respect and dealing with difficult situations.  It can also make you look like a jerk (not you, but some people). This may be the best gift you can give to your children.  They will no doubt prefer a cool video game, but you get the point.

6.  Surround yourself with friends, other family members. It is a good idea to spend time with friends or other relatives instead of isolating yourself.  You can also make new friends – just don’t introduce your kids to your new friend(s) on Christmas morning at breakfast.   Also, consider dressing up as an elf or a human dreidel and attending all holiday parties in character.

7.  Buy yourself something really cool.  Suggestions include a motorcycle, iPhone, Jewelry, MacBook Pro, iPhone, iPod, a lizard, clothes, nine ladies dancing or ten lords a leaping depending what floats your boat,  etc.  Anything but a fruit cake.

8. Get the flu or the Chicken Pox.  If you are like me and get a little worn out during the holidays or other days that end in “y” you could get the flu or the chicken pox.   I had both of these things during the holidays (different years) and I didn’t have to go to any holiday parties whatsoever.

9.  Be cooperative with your former spouse.  It can be helpful to discuss schedules and ideas for gifts for the children in advance (don’t want to duplicate efforts).  Make the holidays about peace and joy, not conflict and resentment.

10.  Late at night, sneak over to your ex’s place and build a large, anatomically correct snow statue of him or her in the yard.

Tips for Surviving the Holidays During and After Divorce by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

There are two books that I  frequently suggest to clients with school-age children, so I thought it might be helpful to reference them in a short post.   An overwhelming amount of material exists on divorce, some of it good and some of it harmful.  When you do find a helpful resource, don’t foget to share it with your spouse as early in the process as possible.

The first is The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons, Ph.D.  This book provides valuable information for families making the transition from a nuclear family to a “binuclear” family that spans two households while continuing to meet the needs of the children.

Another useful text for those with school-age children is by another mental health professional and mediator, Isolina Ricci, Ph.D.  Her book, Mom’s House, Dad’s House:  Making Two Homes for your Child, was originally published in 1980 but was updated in 1997.   It can be helpful before, during, or after divorce, and it is a good choice for step-parents to read.  Besides custody and co-parenting information, Dr. Ricci covers some myths about divorce and some of the emotional factors involved in ending a relationship.  There are also sections on legal issues, divorce mediation, long-term parenting plans, and special situations such as long-distance parenting.

There is also a version of this book designed for children.

What books have you found helpful during or after your divorce?  Please let us know by sending in a comment.

Suggested Reads is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

I recently received a comment from fellow attorney Nancy Van Tine the other day related to my post Maintain Your Divorce Sanity!  Nancy’s blog is the Massachusetts Divorce Law Monitor.   Nancy commented that she has never heard of a Divorce Coach, or as I sometimes refer to them in an effort to sound hip as a “DC.”  Nancy is an experienced divorce lawyer in Boston, so I think it is safe to say that if she is not sure just what a DC does, then there are lots of other people that are unfamiliar as well.  So, who are these mysterious creatures, and what is their natural habitat? 

The first DC I ever met was Sandy Portnoy, Ph.D. of Newton.   I wasn’t too sure what a divorce coach was at the time either.  I thought maybe they made you run sprints and was suspicious, but I have since come to embrace them.  Actually, Sandy and I have lunch sometimes, but we don’t actually hug.  So, here is my attempt at explaining what a Divorce Coach does, and why they can be such a positive force for clients. 

First, it might help to explain that divorce coaching is not therapy.  Therapy involves assessment, diagnosis and then treatment of an emotional disorder.  I see therapy as having long-range goals, whereas divorce coaching might viewed as damage control, which as you will note from my clever title also starts with DC.  As Sandy explains it, divorce coaching “guides individuals through divorce in ways that reduce conflict and emotional damage, and helps create a post-divorce environment that is more positive for the children and promotes recovery for the whole family.  It can help achieve a healthier divorce.”  Well, who wouldn’t want that?

Although not therapy, many reputable divorce coaches are mental health professionals such as MSWs, LICSW, or Ph.D.s. Someone can work with a coach and also be in therapy.  Like other professionals, divorce coaches have varying levels of experiences and different styles and personalities.  You should select a coach carefully, as he or she will be an important part of your divorce management team.  Just like lawyers and mediators, hourly rates vary, but you could expect to pay from $150.00 to $275.00 per hour for an experienced coach.  

Coaching can be used for individuals or couples.  Initially, a DC would usually complete a brief assessment of the client or clients regarding the circumstances leading up to the divorce, a person’s dominant emotions and motivations related to the divorce, and what the current situation is regarding custody, parenting schedules, assets, and financial support.  The Divorce Coach, being a wascaly wabbit, cleverly disguises this assessment as normal conversation.  You don’t have to lie down on a couch, chant, or talk about your parents.  If I didn’t spill the beans here, you probably would not have known you were even being assessed.  The goal of this assessment is to gauge a person’s psychological response to the divorce.  

A coach may review what research shows about the effects of divorce on children and adults, important components of good parenting plans, and even how important parts of the legal process produce reactions that may cause the divorce to become expensive and complicated.  Coaching can also help promote a healthy, understanding relationship between a client and their attorney, with the intentions of making the lawyer – client relationship more productive and perhaps lowering legal fees.  Lawyers benefit as well since clients achieve a better understanding of how to focus on what is important and may significantly reduce their stress level during a case; and we divorce lawyers know that sometimes clients unleash some of their stress at their lawyers.  

An experienced divorce coach will work with clients to identify hot-button issues and triggers that create conflict and provide information to manage them (not just any type of information… but useful, down to earth information that can be implemented right away).  Perhaps most importantly, a good DC can help people stay calm and focus on managing the process, not reliving past events that inhibit forward progress in a case.  The divorce coach will help their client(s) stay more in control, focus on productive solutions,  and thus be better prepared for a life post-divorce.  

So, let’s hear from some of you divorce coaches out there!   What say you?   I would also like to hear from anyone that has used a divorce coach regarding your thoughts on the process.

The Divorce Coach (DC) = Damage Control (DC) is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Everyone knows that a divorce is stressful, but there are some steps you can take to better manage the anxiety surrounding the process.    I was orginally going to call this post  “The Top 10 Ways to Maintain Your Divorce Sanity”  but I really felt the need to have #11.  I am sure there are other good suggestions that I left off this list, so please send along any other suggestions.  Also, this post assumes you were mostly sane prior to your divorce commencing.   Well, here we go:

1.  Realize that your divorce is your divorce.  It is not your friend’s or your sister’s, and what happened in their divorce may not have anything at all to do with your situation.  After divorce, some people are too willing to provide advice based on their own experiences and perceptions.   Family and friends can at times be a good source of support, but putting too much stake in their opinions can, as we sometimes say around Boston despite our best efforts not to,  be ” a wicked bad idea.”

2. Take Care of Yourself – Nothing groundbreaking here, but try to get plenty of rest and some exercise.  Avoid excessive alcohol consumption and self-medicating.  Go to a concert or a comedy club.  Go someplace fun with your kids or friends.  Make some new friends.  Do not become a divorce martyr.   Nobody likes that.  

3.  Try to acknowledge your emotions and respond accordingly.  If you are feeling very angry or depressed or very something else, then by all means find a mental health professional to be part of your “Divorce Management Team.”

4.  Somewhat related to #3, but different…Seriously Consider Using the Services of a Divorce Coach – Sure, hiring a divorce coach can cost some money, but it can actually save you expenses in the long run and provide you with a number of benefits that may have long-lasting positive effects.  Coaching is not the same as counseling or therapy.  My opinion is that not everyone needs therapy, but everyone (well almost everyone) could benefit from using an experienced divorce coach.

5.  Consider that You Cannot Control your Spouse – Becoming frustrated by wishing your spouse was a different type of person,  or trying to micro-manage their parenting style is likely a large waste of your energy and a source of great frustration.   If you could have changed your spouse, you might not be getting divorced in the first place.

6.  If you have kids, sell them in order to lower your stress level and pick up some extra cash.  Just kidding!  Actually, remember to focus on what is best for your children during the divorce process.   It is best for kids to have strong relationships with both parents.  You should encourage this, even when you find it really annoying and difficult.  Also, remember that your kids are not substitutes for those people mentioned in #3 and #4, even if your kids are not kids anymore; nor are they little messengers or subjects to be interrogated about Mom’s new boyfriend or Dad’s new job.

7.  Here’s That Rainy Day – Remeber the money you saved for a rainy day?  You should consider divorce a rain day, or maybe a  small typhoon.  What? The bad economy  already exhausted that account?   My point is to not skimp on hiring the right professionals during your divorce.  You should not have to spend a small fortune, but I would be very leery of trying to handle your own divorce.  I would not try my own surgery or fix my own car.   All of these things could end badly.

8.  Don’t Try to Punish Your Spouse – Divorce is not about getting even, it is about positioning yourself and your family for a happy and healthy future.   If you focus on making up for past behaviors or incidents, such as infidelity or getting a set of pots and pans for Christmas, unless you asked for that, then you are in for a bumpier than necessary ride on the divorce wagon.  Focus on the future.  Yeee hawww!

9.  Let Some Little Things Go (a.k.a. “Pick Your Battles”) – I am not advocating that you should be a push-over or agree to things that are not good for you or your family, but try to maintain flexibility.  Does it help your co-parenting relationship with your spouse if you yell at them because they were 10 minutes late dropping off the kids?  Probably not, and you might be late next month!

10.  Educate and Empower Yourself – Research shows people are  more anxious when facing the unknown.  I am not sure what research exactly, but it seems like something that somebody probably researched sometime.  Moving along, you may not know exactly how your own divorce will turn out, but you can learn the basics regarding child support, alimony, property division, and parenting plans and custody.  Read about what different process options exist, such as mediation, collaborative divorce, or litigation.   Make sure you have enough good information to make informed decisions (re-read #1 again).  Keep an eye on this blog.

11. Keep Communications Respectful and Business-Like – Yes, this is a two way street, but you can at least set decent standards for your portion of the communications.  I once asked a client how they would feel if his daughter read an email he sent her mom in a few years?  Ouch.    I know that this is not always easy, but you can do it, or at least try.   Sure, you might slip up at first, but avoid threats, issuing ultimatums, name calling, and gossiping on social media outlets about your personal family matters related to divorce.

So any other suggestions to help people  mantain sanity and manage stress during divorce?  Please feel free to send us your comments.  Your name is not posted publicly of course.

Maintain Your Divorce Sanity! is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

On February 15, 1950, Disney released its animated version of Cinderella.  Ever since, stepparents have been viewed as mean and ugly.  But in the real world of 2009, where about 50% of marriages end in divorce, and about 1/3 of us live in stepfamilies, it’s time to give stepparents a makeover.

Even though stepparents may provide emotional and financial support to their stepchildren, they have no legal rights with regard to them.  They cannot authorize medical, dental, or surgical treatment, sign permission slips for school activities, or make any other decisions that would enhance the child’s educational experience.

In some cases, the other biological parent is not even involved in the child’s life.   In other cases, the other biological parent may resent his or her ex-spouse’s new husband or wife, and try to limit what the stepparent can do in the child’s life.  Nevertheless, it may not be in the child’s best interest for the stepparent to have no legal rights regarding the health and education of a child in their home.

A new caregiver authorization process was signed into law in January 14, 2009.  New Massachusetts General Laws, Chapter 201F, pursuant to Chapter 511 of the Acts of 2008, permits a parent or legal guardian to authorize another person, with whom the minor child resides, to exercise joint responsibilities over the education and health care of the child.  The parent can specify any rights that he or she does not want to give to the caregiver.  If the parent and the caregiver conflict over a decision, the parent’s wishes are followed.

The new law will significantly reduce the need for guardianships of minors by providing a simpler way for parents to give authority to any adult who lives with their minor child, including grandparents and other caregivers.  But for the thousands of stepparents who have been providing a loving home for their stepchildren, the new law is also a way to give these stepparents the legal rights they deserve.  And more importantly, by clarifying and maximizing the legal rights of stepparents in appropriate circumstances, the new law may protect and enrich the lives of their stepchildren.

Your Legal Rights As A Stepparent: New Steps You Can Take is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative