An experienced mediator can help couples bridge the gap and reach a resolution that both sides can live with.

If you are facing a Massachusetts divorce, then you should certainly consider mediation as an alternative  to expensive litigation.

A mediator is a neutral third party that helps a couple resolve the issues related to their divorce.  Mediation can also be used to assist with post-divorce issues, such as child support or alimony modifications.

Additionally, Mediation to Stay Married is a newer application of the mediation process for couples wishing to improve their relationships and stay together.

Most couples can efficiently use a mediator for their divorce. Mediation is not only for simple divorces or where there is very little conflict.   Couples with complex financial issues and significant conflict can mediate, but make sure your divorce mediator is experienced with such issues.

10 reasons couples select a mediated instead of court-based divorce:

1)    Saves time – couples can have a lot of input regarding the pace of mediation.

2)   Saves money – mediation is almost always less expensive than a traditional court-based  divorce.   At The Divorce Collaborative LLC in Franklin, MA, we even have a number of  fee options available, including fixed fee options, hourly billing, and programs that do not require an advance retainer.

3)   Mediation is less stressful than the adversarial litigation process where the divorce  lawyers are driving the process –  and the costs!

4)    Mediation protects your privacy.

5)    The clients decide what’s fair and best for their family – not the courts or lawyers.

6)    A good mediator will look out for the interests of both parties.

7)    Your mediator should educate you about the financial and legal issues, so you can make good decisions.

   Mediation provides a supportive, cooperative framework for resolving your conflict.

9)    The experience of mediation can improve communication skills between parents, having  a positive effect on post-divorce parenting and child custody issues.

10)  If your mediator is also a lawyer, all of your court forms and the full separation (divorce) agreement are completed as part of the process.

Need more information about divorce mediation in Massachusetts, or other divorce and family law information?

Please call The Divorce Collaborative LLC at (508) 346-3805.

We are happy to answer a few questions or to schedule a meeting in our convenient Franklin, MA office.

10 Reasons More Clients Are Choosing Divorce Mediation is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Don't Get All Tangled Up Over the Holidays

The Holiday season is upon us.  Some people, like my mom for instance, love the holidays.  Decorating is a multi-week process and there are so many ornaments on the tree that she and my step-father must deploy a support cable attached to a nearby wall to help hold it up.  It is about what you would expect to see on a large suspension bridge. Between December 1st and the end of January (we have lots of January birthdays in the family) I estimate that my mother will host or attend (mostly host) somewhere in the area of 624 social events. Holiday music is clearly audible pre-Thanksgiving.

Not everyone loves this time of year of course.  It can be stressful and hectic, strain our finances, and make our clothes shrink.  I think that happens due to the lower temperatures effecting the fabric.  Yeah, that’s it.

For families involved in a divorce or for families that have already experienced a divorce, the holidays can be an especially difficult period.  Traditions are changed, time with your kids may be carved up like a turkey, and the logistics of moving kids around can feel like a military maneuver.   Most obviously, it can be a sad and even lonely time for some experiencing a feeling of loss due to a separation or divorce.

So, what can you do to help get through the holidays?  What is best for your kids? What should I get Steve for Christmas?   These are all important questions.  Remember, different things work for different families, so be flexible and keep lines of communication open.

1. First, stay away from fruitcake.  These things scare me, nobody really knows what is in them, and they can cause serious injury if you drop them on your foot.  Really, just say no to fruitcake.  Please don’t give them as gifts, not even to your ex.  Also, recent court decisions have held that making your kids eat fruit cake may be used as evidence of bad parenting.

2. Keep Things Simple. Try to be flexible in terms of scheduling parenting time and other events.  Your priority should really be what is best for the kids. Personally, I think splitting a day up between two households can be disruptive as everyone is watching the clock and anticipating having to go someplace else, but this plan may work out fine for some families.

3. If you will not be with your children at a special time, then call them.  If you will not see your children on Christmas morning, then call and wish them a fantastic day, tell them that you love them, and that you cannot wait to see them tomorrow or whenever you will be celebrating with them.  Try not to make them feel guilty by saying how you wish they could be with you instead.

4. Respect past traditions while starting new ones.  If while married the family always went to your in-laws house for Christmas Eve and the children enjoyed this tradition, then you may consider continuing it.  Yes, it can be hard if you are the parent that will not be at the festivities, but for younger children maintaining status quo is certainly worth considering.  You could then arrange special time with your children, perhaps even travel someplace and start a new tradition.  You could celebrate Festivus.

5. Santa is not the only one checking the naughty and nice list! Kids may not seem like they are paying attention, especially when we ask them to do something, but they are crafty little beings.  Kids are always evaluating things and learn from what we do, especially when we wish they were not listening or looking.  The manner in which you handle your relationship with your ex can provide valuable, life-long lessons to your children about respect and dealing with difficult situations.  It can also make you look like a jerk (not you, but some people). This may be the best gift you can give to your children.  They will no doubt prefer a cool video game, but you get the point.

6.  Surround yourself with friends, other family members. It is a good idea to spend time with friends or other relatives instead of isolating yourself.  You can also make new friends – just don’t introduce your kids to your new friend(s) on Christmas morning at breakfast.   Also, consider dressing up as an elf or a human dreidel and attending all holiday parties in character.

7.  Buy yourself something really cool.  Suggestions include a motorcycle, iPhone, Jewelry, MacBook Pro, iPhone, iPod, a lizard, clothes, nine ladies dancing or ten lords a leaping depending what floats your boat,  etc.  Anything but a fruit cake.

8. Get the flu or the Chicken Pox.  If you are like me and get a little worn out during the holidays or other days that end in “y” you could get the flu or the chicken pox.   I had both of these things during the holidays (different years) and I didn’t have to go to any holiday parties whatsoever.

9.  Be cooperative with your former spouse.  It can be helpful to discuss schedules and ideas for gifts for the children in advance (don’t want to duplicate efforts).  Make the holidays about peace and joy, not conflict and resentment.

10.  Late at night, sneak over to your ex’s place and build a large, anatomically correct snow statue of him or her in the yard.

Tips for Surviving the Holidays During and After Divorce by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Just a reminder that The Divorce Collaborative will be sponsoring a free seminar on Wednesday, December 9th at 7:00 pm, at our offices located at 77 Main Street, Medway, MA. For more information and to register, please visit the info box to the right. We are pleased to have Dr. Sandy Portnoy, noted divorce coach and therapist, joining us to discuss the effects of divorce on kids, among other things.

The next monthly seminar date is January 6, 2010. Seminars are conducted on the 2nd wednesday each month at 7:00 pm. Please check the site for updates.

Free Divorce Seminar on Wednesday, December 9 at TDC is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

In the Spring of 2007, U.S. Army Sgt. Adam Kennedy was killed in action in Iraq by an improvised explosive device. Before being deployed, Adam ranked first in his class of 275 in his basic training class and advanced infantry training. He completed Airborne School and served on his Colonel’s personal security detail in Iraq. Sgt. Kennedy was also a graduate of Norwich University in Vermont, the nation’s oldest private military college. Norwich is respected for creating strong leaders and fighting men and women for our country. Many graduates not only enter military service upon graduation, but elect to serve in combat oriented positions. They also have some of the best hockey games.

I remember my first day there. Once all the parents finished saying goodbyes and left the green parade field area it was off to the races. Later that day we were running up a rocky river bed up to our shins in water with brand new combat boots on. We didn’t run non-stop however. They would let us stop and enjoy the mountain scenery while doing tons of push-ups!

I never met Adam. I was at Norwich about 16 years before he was, but I bet I would have liked him. Seems like the type of guy that just did his best to do the right thing and stand up for what he believed in. Despite our age difference, I bet we would have enjoyed sharing some crazy Norwich stories over a beer. As someone that was in the Air Force, I would have ribbed him about jumping out of perfectly good airplanes and he would have probaly compared the USAF to the Cub Scouts or something. That would have been fun.

Adam was from my town of Norfolk, MA. Not too far from where I live there is a memorial stone in his honor. I drive by it every day. I am thankful for people like Adam and can hardly imagine the loss his friends and family must feel.

To honor his life and service, the Sgt. Adam Kennedy Scholarship Fund has been organized. On what would have been Adam’s 28th birthday, October 24, 2009 there will be a 5k run/walk in Norfolk, MA to raise money for the scholarship fund. For more information and to register please visit the website.

Sgt. Adam Kennedy of Norfolk, MA

Some Gave All is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Below  is a picture of a client waiting for their lawyer or mediator to call them back.  I was going to edit out their skull to protect their identity, but I guess that is not really necessary.  I think they have waited a pretty long time for a call back,  perhaps a little too long!

It seems as though almost every week I speak with someone who tells me about a person they know who had a lawyer for something and the lawyer failed to return the client’s telephone calls.    Of course, they are not referring to me because I make client communications a top priority!  I have been hired because people were unhappy with the client service received from their first attorney.  To all of you lawyers with poor client service skills, thanks!

If your attorney will not get back to you in a reasonable amount of time then I think you should consider a new lawyer.  Why some folks in my profession find this to be acceptable is difficult for me to comprehend.  If the lawyer does a lot of litigation work, then they should have a system in place where a paralegal or other attorney can return calls until your lawyer is out of court or can return your call the next day.

In our hi-tech times, some folks expect an almost instantaneous return call, which may not always be possible.  But I think calls should be returned almost always the same day, and if not, then the next day.

Especially in family law cases, clients may be pretty stressed out.  If someone has a question or needs to tell me something, I want to be available to that person as quickly as possible.  If not, their stress level will increase and that is not good for the client or the attorney (or mediator).

Is Your Lawyer Adding to Your Stress? is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

My last post concerning the Boston Magazine article on alimony in Massachusetts received quite a few comments.  Thanks to everyone that posted on this blog and also emailed me about their own alimony experiences in Massachusetts.  Many of the comments – all of which were thoughtfully written -  were from folks affiliated with the Massachusetts Alimony Reform Group. From their website you can also link directly to the recent special report that Fox 25 News did about the alimony issue, and read about some “alimony horror stories” as well as review the group’s sponsored legislation regarding alimony reform, House Bill 1785.

I have not had time to read any of the alimony horror stories, but one person emailed me and said I should have a “good, stiff drink” in my hand when I read them!  Although not my most developed trait, I am able to take direction at times, so I hope to read some of the alimony horror stories this weekend with an adult beverage, probably something with a lime in it.

If You Don't Pay Your Alimony in Massachusetts, You May End Up in Jail

The bill is actually quite brief.  Much shorter than the scary-looking health care reform bill I saw on the news anyway.  After reading it, my opinion of the bill was mostly favorable (the alimony one, not the health care bill).   When I practiced in North Carolina, alimony with a duration of about one-half the length of the marriage was commonplace.  This bill references that same standard and caps the number of years alimony can be paid at 12 years, unless the recipient has custody (sole or joint) of children from the marriage under the age of sixteen, then alimony could continue until children reach the age of 16.

I am not sure why the age of 16 was used in the bill (except to lower alimony payments sooner of course) and it seems that 18 might make more sense in order to standardize the age with the child support guidelines.

The bill is only a couple of pages, so if you are a alimony recipient or payor then take a few minutes and read it over. Please share your thoughts on the bill and this issue.  It would be great to hear from some alimony receivers as well!

More on the Massachusetts Alimony Reform Issue is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Everyone knows that a divorce is stressful, but there are some steps you can take to better manage the anxiety surrounding the process.    I was orginally going to call this post  “The Top 10 Ways to Maintain Your Divorce Sanity”  but I really felt the need to have #11.  I am sure there are other good suggestions that I left off this list, so please send along any other suggestions.  Also, this post assumes you were mostly sane prior to your divorce commencing.   Well, here we go:

1.  Realize that your divorce is your divorce.  It is not your friend’s or your sister’s, and what happened in their divorce may not have anything at all to do with your situation.  After divorce, some people are too willing to provide advice based on their own experiences and perceptions.   Family and friends can at times be a good source of support, but putting too much stake in their opinions can, as we sometimes say around Boston despite our best efforts not to,  be ” a wicked bad idea.”

2. Take Care of Yourself – Nothing groundbreaking here, but try to get plenty of rest and some exercise.  Avoid excessive alcohol consumption and self-medicating.  Go to a concert or a comedy club.  Go someplace fun with your kids or friends.  Make some new friends.  Do not become a divorce martyr.   Nobody likes that.  

3.  Try to acknowledge your emotions and respond accordingly.  If you are feeling very angry or depressed or very something else, then by all means find a mental health professional to be part of your “Divorce Management Team.”

4.  Somewhat related to #3, but different…Seriously Consider Using the Services of a Divorce Coach – Sure, hiring a divorce coach can cost some money, but it can actually save you expenses in the long run and provide you with a number of benefits that may have long-lasting positive effects.  Coaching is not the same as counseling or therapy.  My opinion is that not everyone needs therapy, but everyone (well almost everyone) could benefit from using an experienced divorce coach.

5.  Consider that You Cannot Control your Spouse – Becoming frustrated by wishing your spouse was a different type of person,  or trying to micro-manage their parenting style is likely a large waste of your energy and a source of great frustration.   If you could have changed your spouse, you might not be getting divorced in the first place.

6.  If you have kids, sell them in order to lower your stress level and pick up some extra cash.  Just kidding!  Actually, remember to focus on what is best for your children during the divorce process.   It is best for kids to have strong relationships with both parents.  You should encourage this, even when you find it really annoying and difficult.  Also, remember that your kids are not substitutes for those people mentioned in #3 and #4, even if your kids are not kids anymore; nor are they little messengers or subjects to be interrogated about Mom’s new boyfriend or Dad’s new job.

7.  Here’s That Rainy Day – Remeber the money you saved for a rainy day?  You should consider divorce a rain day, or maybe a  small typhoon.  What? The bad economy  already exhausted that account?   My point is to not skimp on hiring the right professionals during your divorce.  You should not have to spend a small fortune, but I would be very leery of trying to handle your own divorce.  I would not try my own surgery or fix my own car.   All of these things could end badly.

8.  Don’t Try to Punish Your Spouse – Divorce is not about getting even, it is about positioning yourself and your family for a happy and healthy future.   If you focus on making up for past behaviors or incidents, such as infidelity or getting a set of pots and pans for Christmas, unless you asked for that, then you are in for a bumpier than necessary ride on the divorce wagon.  Focus on the future.  Yeee hawww!

9.  Let Some Little Things Go (a.k.a. “Pick Your Battles”) – I am not advocating that you should be a push-over or agree to things that are not good for you or your family, but try to maintain flexibility.  Does it help your co-parenting relationship with your spouse if you yell at them because they were 10 minutes late dropping off the kids?  Probably not, and you might be late next month!

10.  Educate and Empower Yourself – Research shows people are  more anxious when facing the unknown.  I am not sure what research exactly, but it seems like something that somebody probably researched sometime.  Moving along, you may not know exactly how your own divorce will turn out, but you can learn the basics regarding child support, alimony, property division, and parenting plans and custody.  Read about what different process options exist, such as mediation, collaborative divorce, or litigation.   Make sure you have enough good information to make informed decisions (re-read #1 again).  Keep an eye on this blog.

11. Keep Communications Respectful and Business-Like – Yes, this is a two way street, but you can at least set decent standards for your portion of the communications.  I once asked a client how they would feel if his daughter read an email he sent her mom in a few years?  Ouch.    I know that this is not always easy, but you can do it, or at least try.   Sure, you might slip up at first, but avoid threats, issuing ultimatums, name calling, and gossiping on social media outlets about your personal family matters related to divorce.

So any other suggestions to help people  mantain sanity and manage stress during divorce?  Please feel free to send us your comments.  Your name is not posted publicly of course.

Maintain Your Divorce Sanity! is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

A friend suggested that I make a list of some good divorce tunes.  The following 23 songs are in no particular order. Please send any suggestions or additions!

1. D-I-V-O-R-C-E – Tammy Wynette
2. Goin’ Through the Big D – Mark Chestnut
3. She Got the Goldmine, I got the Shaft – Jerry Reed
4. He Stopped Loving Her Today – George Jones
5. If Drinking Don’t Kill Me, Her Memory Will – George Jones
6. I’m So Happy That I Can’t Stop Cryin’ – Toby Keith/Sting
7. Who’s That Man – Toby Keith
8. Love Stinks – J. Geils Band
9. All I Want – Darius Rucker
10. Give it Away – George Strait
11. All My Ex’s Live in Texas – George Strait
12. I Hate Everything – George Strait
13. Let Herself Go – George Strait
14. Hard Times – Eric Clapton
15. Cheatin – Sara Evans
16. Brand New Girlfriend – Steve Holy
17. Drank My Wife Away – David Allen Coe
18. Goodbye to You – Scandal
19. We Just Disagree – Dave Mason
20. Have a Nice Rest of Your Life – Randy Travis
21. If You See Him/ If You See Her – Reba McIntire & Brooks & Dunn
22. Like We Never Loved At All – Faith Hill/Tim McGraw
23. Do You Want Fries With That – Tim McGraw

Best Divorce-related Tunes is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative