I recently received a comment from fellow attorney Nancy Van Tine the other day related to my post Maintain Your Divorce Sanity! Nancy’s blog is the Massachusetts Divorce Law Monitor. Nancy commented that she has never heard of a Divorce Coach, or as I sometimes refer to them in an effort to sound hip as a “DC.” Nancy is an experienced divorce lawyer in Boston, so I think it is safe to say that if she is not sure just what a DC does, then there are lots of other people that are unfamiliar as well. So, who are these mysterious creatures, and what is their natural habitat?
The first DC I ever met was Sandy Portnoy, Ph.D. of Newton. I wasn’t too sure what a divorce coach was at the time either. I thought maybe they made you run sprints and was suspicious, but I have since come to embrace them. Actually, Sandy and I have lunch sometimes, but we don’t actually hug. So, here is my attempt at explaining what a Divorce Coach does, and why they can be such a positive force for clients.
First, it might help to explain that divorce coaching is not therapy. Therapy involves assessment, diagnosis and then treatment of an emotional disorder. I see therapy as having long-range goals, whereas divorce coaching might viewed as damage control, which as you will note from my clever title also starts with DC. As Sandy explains it, divorce coaching “guides individuals through divorce in ways that reduce conflict and emotional damage, and helps create a post-divorce environment that is more positive for the children and promotes recovery for the whole family. It can help achieve a healthier divorce.” Well, who wouldn’t want that?
Although not therapy, many reputable divorce coaches are mental health professionals such as MSWs, LICSW, or Ph.D.s. Someone can work with a coach and also be in therapy. Like other professionals, divorce coaches have varying levels of experiences and different styles and personalities. You should select a coach carefully, as he or she will be an important part of your divorce management team. Just like lawyers and mediators, hourly rates vary, but you could expect to pay from $150.00 to $275.00 per hour for an experienced coach.
Coaching can be used for individuals or couples. Initially, a DC would usually complete a brief assessment of the client or clients regarding the circumstances leading up to the divorce, a person’s dominant emotions and motivations related to the divorce, and what the current situation is regarding custody, parenting schedules, assets, and financial support. The Divorce Coach, being a wascaly wabbit, cleverly disguises this assessment as normal conversation. You don’t have to lie down on a couch, chant, or talk about your parents. If I didn’t spill the beans here, you probably would not have known you were even being assessed. The goal of this assessment is to gauge a person’s psychological response to the divorce.
A coach may review what research shows about the effects of divorce on children and adults, important components of good parenting plans, and even how important parts of the legal process produce reactions that may cause the divorce to become expensive and complicated. Coaching can also help promote a healthy, understanding relationship between a client and their attorney, with the intentions of making the lawyer – client relationship more productive and perhaps lowering legal fees. Lawyers benefit as well since clients achieve a better understanding of how to focus on what is important and may significantly reduce their stress level during a case; and we divorce lawyers know that sometimes clients unleash some of their stress at their lawyers.
An experienced divorce coach will work with clients to identify hot-button issues and triggers that create conflict and provide information to manage them (not just any type of information… but useful, down to earth information that can be implemented right away). Perhaps most importantly, a good DC can help people stay calm and focus on managing the process, not reliving past events that inhibit forward progress in a case. The divorce coach will help their client(s) stay more in control, focus on productive solutions, and thus be better prepared for a life post-divorce.
So, let’s hear from some of you divorce coaches out there! What say you? I would also like to hear from anyone that has used a divorce coach regarding your thoughts on the process.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
This is very useful information. I would definitely consider contacting a divorce coach if I ever get divorced again. I really enjoy this blog.
Interesting. With an impending divorce and its subsequent complications, it will be interesting to see if divorce coaches can help lower the higher risk of strokes and death in divorcees.
Hello and thanks for your comment. In my experience, most people find the use of an experienced coach a good investment. It is not a magic bullet, but certainly helpful to many people. Good luck!
Steve and I not only have lunch together, we have shared a number of cases using both the collaborative and mediation models. Putting together the right team of divorce professionals can provide the divorcing individuals…and their children…a powerful tool for reducing the damage that divorce typically can cause. Believe it or not, healthy divorce is possible! That is one in which the parents are able to go through the legal process without the kind of conflict that blows it up, makes it drag out, and harms every member of the family. Divorce reasearch is clear that high degrees of conflict during the divorce may do more harm than any other single factor. That’s where the beauty of collaborative divorce lies. People still have difficult feelings…plenty of them! But you’ve got your lawyer present to look after your legal interests and a coach to work on the spot with those feelings and to keep the process focused on moving forward rather than getting stuck in the feelings as is so often the case. The power of this professional team is that all of your interests…not just the legal ones…and the interests of your children are right there on the table at all times. The best outcomes of this process are when the parents can still maintain a mutually supportive, active co-parenting of the children after the divorce. This is when children of divorced parents do best, and it’s what the collaborative process tries to achieve.
As to the reader’s comment about strokes and death, it’s broader than that. Divorced and divorcing individuals are at greater risk for heart attacks, a variety of other disabling diseases, a general decline in overall health and in sense of well-being, and higher accident rates. As a psychologist and a divorce professional, I can’t imagine a good reason to get divorced other than collaboratively.