Everyone knows that a divorce is stressful, but there are some steps you can take to better manage the anxiety surrounding the process. I was orginally going to call this post “The Top 10 Ways to Maintain Your Divorce Sanity” but I really felt the need to have #11. I am sure there are other good suggestions that I left off this list, so please send along any other suggestions. Also, this post assumes you were mostly sane prior to your divorce commencing. Well, here we go:
1. Realize that your divorce is your divorce. It is not your friend’s or your sister’s, and what happened in their divorce may not have anything at all to do with your situation. After divorce, some people are too willing to provide advice based on their own experiences and perceptions. Family and friends can at times be a good source of support, but putting too much stake in their opinions can, as we sometimes say around Boston despite our best efforts not to, be ” a wicked bad idea.”
2. Take Care of Yourself – Nothing groundbreaking here, but try to get plenty of rest and some exercise. Avoid excessive alcohol consumption and self-medicating. Go to a concert or a comedy club. Go someplace fun with your kids or friends. Make some new friends. Do not become a divorce martyr. Nobody likes that.
3. Try to acknowledge your emotions and respond accordingly. If you are feeling very angry or depressed or very something else, then by all means find a mental health professional to be part of your “Divorce Management Team.”
4. Somewhat related to #3, but different…Seriously Consider Using the Services of a Divorce Coach – Sure, hiring a divorce coach can cost some money, but it can actually save you expenses in the long run and provide you with a number of benefits that may have long-lasting positive effects. Coaching is not the same as counseling or therapy. My opinion is that not everyone needs therapy, but everyone (well almost everyone) could benefit from using an experienced divorce coach.
5. Consider that You Cannot Control your Spouse – Becoming frustrated by wishing your spouse was a different type of person, or trying to micro-manage their parenting style is likely a large waste of your energy and a source of great frustration. If you could have changed your spouse, you might not be getting divorced in the first place.
6. If you have kids, sell them in order to lower your stress level and pick up some extra cash. Just kidding! Actually, remember to focus on what is best for your children during the divorce process. It is best for kids to have strong relationships with both parents. You should encourage this, even when you find it really annoying and difficult. Also, remember that your kids are not substitutes for those people mentioned in #3 and #4, even if your kids are not kids anymore; nor are they little messengers or subjects to be interrogated about Mom’s new boyfriend or Dad’s new job.
7. Here’s That Rainy Day – Remeber the money you saved for a rainy day? You should consider divorce a rain day, or maybe a small typhoon. What? The bad economy already exhausted that account? My point is to not skimp on hiring the right professionals during your divorce. You should not have to spend a small fortune, but I would be very leery of trying to handle your own divorce. I would not try my own surgery or fix my own car. All of these things could end badly.
8. Don’t Try to Punish Your Spouse – Divorce is not about getting even, it is about positioning yourself and your family for a happy and healthy future. If you focus on making up for past behaviors or incidents, such as infidelity or getting a set of pots and pans for Christmas, unless you asked for that, then you are in for a bumpier than necessary ride on the divorce wagon. Focus on the future. Yeee hawww!
9. Let Some Little Things Go (a.k.a. “Pick Your Battles”) – I am not advocating that you should be a push-over or agree to things that are not good for you or your family, but try to maintain flexibility. Does it help your co-parenting relationship with your spouse if you yell at them because they were 10 minutes late dropping off the kids? Probably not, and you might be late next month!
10. Educate and Empower Yourself – Research shows people are more anxious when facing the unknown. I am not sure what research exactly, but it seems like something that somebody probably researched sometime. Moving along, you may not know exactly how your own divorce will turn out, but you can learn the basics regarding child support, alimony, property division, and parenting plans and custody. Read about what different process options exist, such as mediation, collaborative divorce, or litigation. Make sure you have enough good information to make informed decisions (re-read #1 again). Keep an eye on this blog.
11. Keep Communications Respectful and Business-Like – Yes, this is a two way street, but you can at least set decent standards for your portion of the communications. I once asked a client how they would feel if his daughter read an email he sent her mom in a few years? Ouch. I know that this is not always easy, but you can do it, or at least try. Sure, you might slip up at first, but avoid threats, issuing ultimatums, name calling, and gossiping on social media outlets about your personal family matters related to divorce.
So any other suggestions to help people mantain sanity and manage stress during divorce? Please feel free to send us your comments. Your name is not posted publicly of course.
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Hi, you have a terrific blog! However I am curious, I have never (in 30 years of family law practice) heard of a divorce coach. Who are they exactly? What are their credentials and what do they do? These are terrific tips by the way.