Don't Get All Tangled Up Over the Holidays
The Holiday season is upon us. Some people, like my mom for instance, love the holidays. Decorating is a multi-week process and there are so many ornaments on the tree that she and my step-father must deploy a support cable attached to a nearby wall to help hold it up. It is about what you would expect to see on a large suspension bridge. Between December 1st and the end of January (we have lots of January birthdays in the family) I estimate that my mother will host or attend (mostly host) somewhere in the area of 624 social events. Holiday music is clearly audible pre-Thanksgiving.
Not everyone loves this time of year of course. It can be stressful and hectic, strain our finances, and make our clothes shrink. I think that happens due to the lower temperatures effecting the fabric. Yeah, that’s it.
For families involved in a divorce or for families that have already experienced a divorce, the holidays can be an especially difficult period. Traditions are changed, time with your kids may be carved up like a turkey, and the logistics of moving kids around can feel like a military maneuver. Most obviously, it can be a sad and even lonely time for some experiencing a feeling of loss due to a separation or divorce.
So, what can you do to help get through the holidays? What is best for your kids? What should I get Steve for Christmas? These are all important questions. Remember, different things work for different families, so be flexible and keep lines of communication open.
1. First, stay away from fruitcake. These things scare me, nobody really knows what is in them, and they can cause serious injury if you drop them on your foot. Really, just say no to fruitcake. Please don’t give them as gifts, not even to your ex. Also, recent court decisions have held that making your kids eat fruit cake may be used as evidence of bad parenting.
2. Keep Things Simple. Try to be flexible in terms of scheduling parenting time and other events. Your priority should really be what is best for the kids. Personally, I think splitting a day up between two households can be disruptive as everyone is watching the clock and anticipating having to go someplace else, but this plan may work out fine for some families.
3. If you will not be with your children at a special time, then call them. If you will not see your children on Christmas morning, then call and wish them a fantastic day, tell them that you love them, and that you cannot wait to see them tomorrow or whenever you will be celebrating with them. Try not to make them feel guilty by saying how you wish they could be with you instead.
4. Respect past traditions while starting new ones. If while married the family always went to your in-laws house for Christmas Eve and the children enjoyed this tradition, then you may consider continuing it. Yes, it can be hard if you are the parent that will not be at the festivities, but for younger children maintaining status quo is certainly worth considering. You could then arrange special time with your children, perhaps even travel someplace and start a new tradition. You could celebrate Festivus.
5. Santa is not the only one checking the naughty and nice list! Kids may not seem like they are paying attention, especially when we ask them to do something, but they are crafty little beings. Kids are always evaluating things and learn from what we do, especially when we wish they were not listening or looking. The manner in which you handle your relationship with your ex can provide valuable, life-long lessons to your children about respect and dealing with difficult situations. It can also make you look like a jerk (not you, but some people). This may be the best gift you can give to your children. They will no doubt prefer a cool video game, but you get the point.
6. Surround yourself with friends, other family members. It is a good idea to spend time with friends or other relatives instead of isolating yourself. You can also make new friends – just don’t introduce your kids to your new friend(s) on Christmas morning at breakfast. Also, consider dressing up as an elf or a human dreidel and attending all holiday parties in character.
7. Buy yourself something really cool. Suggestions include a motorcycle, iPhone, Jewelry, MacBook Pro, iPhone, iPod, a lizard, clothes, nine ladies dancing or ten lords a leaping depending what floats your boat, etc. Anything but a fruit cake.
8. Get the flu or the Chicken Pox. If you are like me and get a little worn out during the holidays or other days that end in “y” you could get the flu or the chicken pox. I had both of these things during the holidays (different years) and I didn’t have to go to any holiday parties whatsoever.
9. Be cooperative with your former spouse. It can be helpful to discuss schedules and ideas for gifts for the children in advance (don’t want to duplicate efforts). Make the holidays about peace and joy, not conflict and resentment.
10. Late at night, sneak over to your ex’s place and build a large, anatomically correct snow statue of him or her in the yard.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
You have some wonderful tips. Am sure divorced will enjoy their holidays after reading your post.
Thanks. I practice law in Northern Virginia, with an emphasis in my work on collaborative divorce and divorce mediation. I caught this a couple of months late, I but look forward to giving your tips to clients next holiday season. Good stuff.