If this is your Massachusetts divorce lawyer's or mediator's waiting room, be afraid...very afraid.

Almost everyone I meet seeking a Massachusetts divorce asks this question during their first meeting:  ”How long will my divorce take?” Unfortunately, the real answer is one that lawyers love and clients don’t appreciate – “It depends….” All lawyers learn this response during law school in the first year class “How to Answer Questions Without Really Saying Anything.”

Seriously, though – there are so many variables that this is a difficult question to answer with great specificity.  Interestingly, the divorcing couple can have a major impact on the pace of a divorce, whether a Massachusetts contested divorce, collaborative divorce, or a divorce mediation.  In simple terms, the process used to get through the divorce plays a big role in just how long each case takes to complete.

In order to help clients and all of humanity, I recently designed two timelines that are estimates of a typical contested Massachusetts divorce (divorce litigation) and a Massachusetts divorce mediation.

Skip this part if you are NOT interested in how the 3d Timelines were created.  For anyone remotely interested, I used a great program by the nice folks at BeeDocs, called Timeline 3D.  If you are interested in technology, the cool thing about this program is that you can export the timelines as movies…even 3D movies, and in high-def.  No, you don’t need funny glasses to watch them; and yes, I kept them a few minutes in length.  The program is only available for Macs, not PCs. See, another reason for you to leave the dark side and switch to Macs as I have…c’mon, you know you want to.   I lowered the resolution of the movies so I didn’t annoy my trusted website host, and so they will load quickly.    You can also print out a PDF of the timelines and share them with your friends.

So, now that you have made some popcorn and watched the short timeline videos…

What other factors can effect the speed in which your own Massachusetts divorce will be completed?

1.  Litigated, or court-based divorces tend to take longer than a mediated or collaborative divorce

2. The ability of both sides to compromise

3. The styles and caseload of the attorneys on both sides (litigated cases)

4.  Does either spouse (or both) have an unreasonable position or positions?

5.  The emotional stages of the parties (similar to the stages of grieving)

6.  The level of cooperation by the parties in providing requested financial documents and completing financial statements

7.  Flexibility of scheduling meetings, mediation sessions, etc.  (Everyone seems to want a late afternoon appointment!)

8.  Efficiency of your mediator, collaborative lawyer, or litigation counsel.

9.  If you consider this example to be the model for your divorce, then your divorce will almost certainly take longer, if it doesn’t kill you.

10. All other variables – one party is required to travel frequently for their job, military deployment, illness, purposeful stalling, switching                attorneys, abandoning one process to select another, etc.

Massachusetts Divorce Timelines…Now In 3D! is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Don't Get All Tangled Up Over the Holidays

The Holiday season is upon us.  Some people, like my mom for instance, love the holidays.  Decorating is a multi-week process and there are so many ornaments on the tree that she and my step-father must deploy a support cable attached to a nearby wall to help hold it up.  It is about what you would expect to see on a large suspension bridge. Between December 1st and the end of January (we have lots of January birthdays in the family) I estimate that my mother will host or attend (mostly host) somewhere in the area of 624 social events. Holiday music is clearly audible pre-Thanksgiving.

Not everyone loves this time of year of course.  It can be stressful and hectic, strain our finances, and make our clothes shrink.  I think that happens due to the lower temperatures effecting the fabric.  Yeah, that’s it.

For families involved in a divorce or for families that have already experienced a divorce, the holidays can be an especially difficult period.  Traditions are changed, time with your kids may be carved up like a turkey, and the logistics of moving kids around can feel like a military maneuver.   Most obviously, it can be a sad and even lonely time for some experiencing a feeling of loss due to a separation or divorce.

So, what can you do to help get through the holidays?  What is best for your kids? What should I get Steve for Christmas?   These are all important questions.  Remember, different things work for different families, so be flexible and keep lines of communication open.

1. First, stay away from fruitcake.  These things scare me, nobody really knows what is in them, and they can cause serious injury if you drop them on your foot.  Really, just say no to fruitcake.  Please don’t give them as gifts, not even to your ex.  Also, recent court decisions have held that making your kids eat fruit cake may be used as evidence of bad parenting.

2. Keep Things Simple. Try to be flexible in terms of scheduling parenting time and other events.  Your priority should really be what is best for the kids. Personally, I think splitting a day up between two households can be disruptive as everyone is watching the clock and anticipating having to go someplace else, but this plan may work out fine for some families.

3. If you will not be with your children at a special time, then call them.  If you will not see your children on Christmas morning, then call and wish them a fantastic day, tell them that you love them, and that you cannot wait to see them tomorrow or whenever you will be celebrating with them.  Try not to make them feel guilty by saying how you wish they could be with you instead.

4. Respect past traditions while starting new ones.  If while married the family always went to your in-laws house for Christmas Eve and the children enjoyed this tradition, then you may consider continuing it.  Yes, it can be hard if you are the parent that will not be at the festivities, but for younger children maintaining status quo is certainly worth considering.  You could then arrange special time with your children, perhaps even travel someplace and start a new tradition.  You could celebrate Festivus.

5. Santa is not the only one checking the naughty and nice list! Kids may not seem like they are paying attention, especially when we ask them to do something, but they are crafty little beings.  Kids are always evaluating things and learn from what we do, especially when we wish they were not listening or looking.  The manner in which you handle your relationship with your ex can provide valuable, life-long lessons to your children about respect and dealing with difficult situations.  It can also make you look like a jerk (not you, but some people). This may be the best gift you can give to your children.  They will no doubt prefer a cool video game, but you get the point.

6.  Surround yourself with friends, other family members. It is a good idea to spend time with friends or other relatives instead of isolating yourself.  You can also make new friends – just don’t introduce your kids to your new friend(s) on Christmas morning at breakfast.   Also, consider dressing up as an elf or a human dreidel and attending all holiday parties in character.

7.  Buy yourself something really cool.  Suggestions include a motorcycle, iPhone, Jewelry, MacBook Pro, iPhone, iPod, a lizard, clothes, nine ladies dancing or ten lords a leaping depending what floats your boat,  etc.  Anything but a fruit cake.

8. Get the flu or the Chicken Pox.  If you are like me and get a little worn out during the holidays or other days that end in “y” you could get the flu or the chicken pox.   I had both of these things during the holidays (different years) and I didn’t have to go to any holiday parties whatsoever.

9.  Be cooperative with your former spouse.  It can be helpful to discuss schedules and ideas for gifts for the children in advance (don’t want to duplicate efforts).  Make the holidays about peace and joy, not conflict and resentment.

10.  Late at night, sneak over to your ex’s place and build a large, anatomically correct snow statue of him or her in the yard.

Tips for Surviving the Holidays During and After Divorce by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Just a reminder that The Divorce Collaborative will be sponsoring a free seminar on Wednesday, December 9th at 7:00 pm, at our offices located at 77 Main Street, Medway, MA. For more information and to register, please visit the info box to the right. We are pleased to have Dr. Sandy Portnoy, noted divorce coach and therapist, joining us to discuss the effects of divorce on kids, among other things.

The next monthly seminar date is January 6, 2010. Seminars are conducted on the 2nd wednesday each month at 7:00 pm. Please check the site for updates.

Free Divorce Seminar on Wednesday, December 9 at TDC is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

If you did not have a chance to read Part One about the range of fees for divorce mediation, please do so or be prepared to be confused.

Part 2 – How Much Will My Divorce Mediation Cost? by Steve McDonough is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

I just flew back  from a conference at Walt Disney World and boy are my arms tired (please stop groaning, I know that is a very old joke)!  One of the sessions was about blogging topics, and writing about frequently asked questions was encouraged.  Thus, I am embarking on some blog posts that address questions that are asked, well, frequently.

The answers to some FAQs  may not be as straightforward as one might think or as prospective clients might desire.  For example, people always ask where I get my good looks from and if I would be able to fix them up with any wealthy and attractive former clients once their own divorce becomes final.  But seriously, consider the question posed in the title of this post from the perspective of the well-intentioned divorce mediator (that’s me).

So, just how much will your mediation cost?   The answer is…It depends.

While a common and perfectly reasonable answer to many complicated legal matters; “it depends” is not the slightest bit helpful to you if you are trying to plan your divorce.   Some legal experts suggest that anyone good at what they do should know the cost of the service they will provide.  I mostly agree with this concept, yet a number of variables exist that preclude providing anything more than a rough estimate.

Obviously, this question is usually asked early in the process, oftentimes over the phone or by en email inquiry.  At this early stage, I may not have even met with the couple and likely know little about the case dynamics.  So, my future clients, I completely understand why you want an answer to this question, and when I purchase something I want to know how much it is going to cost just like you.  For example, my dentist can tell me what a crown will cost.  Yet, contrast this with a home improvement contractor giving an estimate on a roofing job.

Recently I obtained estimates on both of these items, neither of which I really want to spend money on, but really don’t have much of a choice.  Eventually, I will have to do deal with both of these items.  I do not plan on hiring the least expensive dentist or contractor.   I think many of my clients feel the same way.  They realize they need to move forward with their divorce, but they aren’t happy about spending the money.  Let’s face it, it is not like going to Disney World.

Back to the dentist and the roofers.  So, how can the dentist basically provide a firm price whereas the roofing contractor points out that there may be other charges?   I will explain the answer in Part 2 of this post.  Check back soon, or send your own answers in for a chance to win magical prizes.

Save money with divorce mediation, then go on vacation

How Much Will Divorce Mediation Cost? (Part One) by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

I am a proponent of alternative dispute resolution (ADR), such as divorce mediation, the collaborative divorce process and a good old-fashioned duel with flintlock pistols.  OK, I am just kidding on ADR method number three, flintlock pistols are unreliable and inaccurate.

Landshark!

Some couples are more suited to mediation than others.  When I first meet with a couple for a mediation consultation they are evaluating what I have to say and how I say it, my personality, if they like my tie, etc. Perhaps they also realize that I am evaluating them and listening for any “red flags” that signal possible trouble ahead.   Some issues that mediators must consider include substance abuse issues, domestic violence, a person’s emotional state and any mental health issues, and each person’s ability to understand the process and the issues and then advocate for what they want and don’t want.

It is this last one that is the trickiest.

Of course, the varying degrees of any of the above issues are important, and just because one spouse is more outspoken than the other does not mean that the case cannot or should not be mediated.  If that were true, there would be few mediations!  Experienced mediators are able to support the “weaker” spouse during the process when necessary.

Unfortunately, there is another type of person that may be attracted to mediation.  Thankfully, I do not run across such characters too often.  I label these folks “Mediation Sharks.”  When  I meet one, I am reminded of one of my favorite  classic Saturday Night Live skits with the Landshark.  If your memory is fuzzy and/or you feel like laughing, click here.  If you are too young to remember, then congratulations, but you missed SNL when it was actually really funny.

A Mediation Shark is someone that tries to fool their spouse into thinking they are being sincere and actually wants to settle the details of the divorce fairly. Unfortunately, Mediation Sharks have sinister motives, such as manipulation, intimidation, and employing unfair advantage.  The Mediation Shark may try to cleverly disguise these unpleasantries by employing false concern, acting extremely pleasant, or by stating things like “Don’t worry about that, I will take care of you no matter what.”  They may also demand that certain items are “off the table” and not subject to discussion.  Like a big bank account for example.

Hmmm, let me consult my Mediation for Dummies book, but I don’t think that is the way it is supposed to work…

Maybe the Mediation Shark is much more experienced with finances, does not intend on fully disclosing assets, or just hopes to take advantage of a spouse that is unaware of what they could or should be entitled to.  Not to sound insenstitive, but sometimes one spouse is just a lot smarter (at least in some ways) than the other spouse, like at my house – and I mean my wife being smarter than me for the record in case my  wife decides to read my blog).

I am all for people making their own agreements, but only if both parties sitting at the table comprehend the information being discussed and take part in the process in a reasonable manner.  Otherwise, I screen out the Mediation Sharks.  Normally, the non-shark spouse picks up on these things at the meetings and carefully considers all options, including the option that they should not use mediation and they may need a bigger boat.

Fortunately, there have not been many times where I had to say that I would not mediate the divorce.  Once, the spouse I was concerned for was not happy with the first (and only) meeting and later said it was not “useful.”  This person did not sense the presence of the Mediation Shark despite my sharing my concerns.  Instead I was told they found a different mediator.   Could I have been wrong…?

Nah.

OK, just kidding.  Perhaps I misread the Mediation Shark, but I don’t think so. In this instance, I lost some fees, did my best to make sure someone was going to get a fair shake, and slept fine that night.

If you are contemplating divorce and considering mediation, the odds are high you will reach an agreement and be fine.  Listen for clues from your mediator that he or she may have concerns about this or that.  Also, watch out for people that only tell you what you want to hear.

Candy-Gram.   Flowers.   Plumber.   I’m just a dolphin.

Plumber. Flowers. Candy-Gram. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

I have received couple of questions on how divorce may affect social security benefits over the past week, so I thought a post on this topic might be helpful.

First, a good point to remember is that social security is a federal system, and is thus controlled by federal regulations.   Social Security benefits cannot be bargained like other assets or retirement accounts since the receipt of social security benefits, how they are paid, and to whom are all controlled by federal law.   This is why you don’t see sections on social security benefits in divorce agreements.

A divorced spouse may be entitled to social security benefits, but this really depends on the eligibility of the person that they were divorced from.  In order to be eligible for retirement or disability payments, the marriage to the retired or disabled person must have lasted at least ten years, and the spouse applying for such benefits must not be remarried.   If a subsequent marriage ends by another divorce or due to death, then eligibility may then be re-established.  A divorced spouse may then be eligible to receive up to 50% of the worker’s payments or up to 100% of a deceased worker’s payments after the age of 62.

The maximum family limit does not apply in the case of a divorced spouse who qualifies.

There are a number of other provisions to consider depending on your specific circumstances.  For instance, if a divorced spouse is eligible for social security benefits on their own record, that amount will be paid first; but if the benefit paid to the other spouse is higher, the divorced spouse may get a combination of benefits that equals the higher amount.  Finally, the amount the divorced spouse receives does not change the benefits the worker and any new spouse receives.

Another good source for additional information on this issue is the Social Security Administration website.  I also found this article on the Kiplinger.com website which you may find helpful.

Social Security and Divorce is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

First of all, I want to be clear that I think that there are cases that certainly call for alimony, also known as spousal support.  There are also cases where our current system seems to create some unfair results.  Those ordered to pay lifetime alimony  might equate their situation to a having a nasty virus – it can make you feel sick and takes a long time to go away.  In fact, one of the current Massachusetts alimony reform bills, HT 1785 even sounds like a new bug requiring lots of hand sanitizer.

Much of this recent activity and information referenced in this post is available on the Massachusetts Alimony Reform website.  Recently, the Boston Bar Association created some controversy by jumping head-first into the alimony reform issue by endorsing Senate Bill 1616.  The Senate bill allows judges to consider the duration of alimony awards, but that is it.  Critics argue that allowing judges discretion with setting the length of alimony awards – although a step in the right direction – does not go far enough in changing our antiquated approach to spousal support here in the Bay State.

Boston Business Journal writer Lisa van der Pool wrote a story about the BBA’s endorsement of Senate Bill 1616 on September 25, 2009.  She was also interviewed on NECN about the story and the controversy created by the BBA’s support.   Again, all of this info, including links to both bills, is easily accessible on the MA Alimony Reform website which is linked above – thus I have not duplicated every link in this post.

Those supporting more sweeping reform of the Commonwealth’s alimony system support the House Bill, HT 1785.   HT 1785 provides comprehensive changes well beyond just allowing judges discretion in determining the length of alimony payments.  By the way, if you have HT 1785, make sure you cough and sneeze into your elbow.  Of all body parts, the elbow seems to be getting a bad deal lately as the body’s new germ storage facility.  Even if you are paying alimony, be glad you are not an elbow.

My fellow Massachusetts family law attorneys appear split on the alimony reform issue.  For instance, fellow blogger and attorney Steven Ballard supports the sweeping reforms in HT 1785, while Boston divorce lawyer and blogger Nancy Van Tine of the large firm of Burns and Levinson was quoted in the Boston Business Journal article as being critical of HT 1785, saying that it “took the current law and flipped it on its head and made it equally bad in the other direction.” The BBJ article does not go into detail about Attorney Van Tine’s reasoning, but her other posts have stated that she feels HT 1785 is too formulaic of an approach.

There are other observations and questions related to these issues that I find interesting.

1.  Will sweeping alimony reform cost some divorce lawyers who focus on litigation money?  Seems that could definitely be the case.   Is this a factor behind the Boston Bar Association’s opposition to the house bill?  I wonder how many attorneys involved in the vote at the BBA are litigators that earn big fees from trying alimony cases?

2.  The MA Alimony Reform group is always talking about rich divorce lawyers.  I am obviously doing something wrong.

3.  This issue brings out a lot of anger and emotions in some people, not that there is anything wrong with that.  When reading parts of the MA Alimony Reform site, there are some dramatic statements.   How about this for example when making the case for their opposition to Senate Bill 1616:  “The (Boston) Bar Association’s proposal will keep the law unclear – continuing to maximize the animosity between divorcing couples; increase contentious and bullying lawyer debates; and add to already exorbitant legal fees in the court room.”

Wow.  That must be one powerful statute!

Is the law really responsible for maximizing animosity between divorcing couples?  That seems just a bit of a stretch.  First of all, many couples maintain a respectful attitude during divorce and make the transition without being driven by animosity.  For couples driven by conflict and resentment, is the current alimony scheme really responsible for maximizing the animosity between these high-conflict divorces?  I think not.

If lawyers are having contentious and bullying debates, isn’t that because the lawyers are zealously advocating the wishes of their clients?  If a client does not want their attorney to have these contentious and bullying debates, then the client can hire a different lawyer with a different approach.

Finally, there are steps couples can take to control legal fees, although it is possible that one side may increase the other side’s legal fees due to having to respond to various discovery requests, motions, and unreasonable positions.  That is unfortunate.

Thus, in some of these “alimony horror stories” how reasonable were the positions of the parties involved?  Did they consider a collaborative divorce or hiring a skilled mediator before entering the nasty arena of litigation?  Were opportunities for settlement fully explored? Was an experienced divorce coach considered to guide people through the process in such a way to have hatred not be the driving force?

I don’t usually buy into the theory that people are completely powerless to get off of the roller coaster ride.  Litigation can start to take on a life of its own as parties (including lawyers) may become entrenched in positions and feel they have to win at all costs.  Divorce involves many complex factors, some more emotional than legal.

For couples that simply cannot or will not agree, we have the courts.  As our family structures evolve, so it seems should the concept of alimony.  Let’s not expect any one statute to have magical powers however. Couples driven by animosity will probably find other things to argue over and seek out the type of lawyer that is ready to fan the flames.

Massachusetts Alimony Virus – Still No Vaccine Available is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

My last post concerning the Boston Magazine article on alimony in Massachusetts received quite a few comments.  Thanks to everyone that posted on this blog and also emailed me about their own alimony experiences in Massachusetts.  Many of the comments – all of which were thoughtfully written -  were from folks affiliated with the Massachusetts Alimony Reform Group. From their website you can also link directly to the recent special report that Fox 25 News did about the alimony issue, and read about some “alimony horror stories” as well as review the group’s sponsored legislation regarding alimony reform, House Bill 1785.

I have not had time to read any of the alimony horror stories, but one person emailed me and said I should have a “good, stiff drink” in my hand when I read them!  Although not my most developed trait, I am able to take direction at times, so I hope to read some of the alimony horror stories this weekend with an adult beverage, probably something with a lime in it.

If You Don't Pay Your Alimony in Massachusetts, You May End Up in Jail

The bill is actually quite brief.  Much shorter than the scary-looking health care reform bill I saw on the news anyway.  After reading it, my opinion of the bill was mostly favorable (the alimony one, not the health care bill).   When I practiced in North Carolina, alimony with a duration of about one-half the length of the marriage was commonplace.  This bill references that same standard and caps the number of years alimony can be paid at 12 years, unless the recipient has custody (sole or joint) of children from the marriage under the age of sixteen, then alimony could continue until children reach the age of 16.

I am not sure why the age of 16 was used in the bill (except to lower alimony payments sooner of course) and it seems that 18 might make more sense in order to standardize the age with the child support guidelines.

The bill is only a couple of pages, so if you are a alimony recipient or payor then take a few minutes and read it over. Please share your thoughts on the bill and this issue.  It would be great to hear from some alimony receivers as well!

More on the Massachusetts Alimony Reform Issue is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative